I’m Not My Cycle, I’m Me

๐ŸŒทtoday…

Birds chirp spring delight. The sun warms my face as cool wind breeze by. As I walk down the sidewalk, numb and callous I can’t help to wonder what went wrong with my life.

I’m here again in a predicament where I’m forced to uproot with a broken heart and confuse. My greatest sin was and still is that I love others more than I love myself. And at the end of every dance. Every song. Every sweet nothing. I’m alone. Words are the most powerful weapon a human can use against another. It can break us. Lift us. Inspire us. Torment us. Words are dangerous. Even a simple-minded fool can twist his tongue and produce a sentence to seduce an enchantress.

I know these things, yet I fall prey to these tactics so often that I question my own identity. I tell my children to watch what they say. Choose their words wisely. That even the words they don’t speak can leave a scar so deep it gashes a person’s innermost so be careful with what they don’t say too.

Then there’s me. Great at giving advice. Not so much at implementing. Guess we all have our downfalls. Mine, again, has done its job and I have fallen into a murky pit of my own despair. Despite, everything that has happened to me. The numbing. The callousing. The fear of giving my heart to another, I’m hopeful.

I’m hopeful that’ll I stop this cycle. That I’ll break free because I’m tired. Jus when I think I’ve found the answers to all my problems, I’m pushed back by the reality of life. The harsh truth of the words from those I love and care deeply for. I love too hard, yes. I care too deep, yes. It is something, I’m learning about myself. I probably would never change and might not want to.

Instead, I need to trust my innermost. When I feel the change. The sudden concerning that something isn’t right, I need to trust those feelings. Because they have been right so far. I jus been ignoring them. Conclusion, March ends. I’m swollen in tears. Overwhelmed with moving, keeping ahead of school so I can graduate with my associates in June, staying a productive and efficient employer and entrepreneur all while striving to be the best single parent I can be. 

This shit isn’t easy. But no one said life would be. 

Awkward In A Good Way

๐Ÿ›€ Morning lovelies.

๐Ÿค” Where to begin…๐Ÿ˜ฌ

๐Ÿ˜…Oh yes, it’s been one of those transitions. Awkward in a good way tho ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™Œ

It feels awkward talking about it. I feel like I’m being too prideful and that jus doesn’t fit well with me๐Ÿ™…

Maybe that’s how I’m feeling because its past my bedtime๐Ÿ˜ด Possible.

Let’s start off with a simple life is never simple. And sometimes, jus sometimes, I wish I can climb somebody’s attic (because I don’t have one) and hide up there for a bit.

M E N T A L ๐ŸŒป I L L N E S S

I’ve written about my lonely judgemental friend depression. I’ve gone into grand detail about her emotional attacks to my mentality. How she dampens my creativity. Constricts my social interactions. She’s a pretty mean ๐Ÿคฌ in a suicidal way.

Every month she gets a visit from aunt flow๐Ÿฅ€. Now that flower power menstrual only encourages her to do her worse๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

However, someone else moved in. Her name is bipolar…

๐Ÿ˜ฃ This is actually a very sensitive subject for me. I can’t believe, I typed the words and posted it ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜” it’s one thing to think about something heavy on your and another when you complete the actions to share it online.

I keep finding myself trying to be happy and upbeat to write this post, but that’s not how I feel anymore.

Wow ๐Ÿ˜” seriously. Jus wow. It has been a constant high and low for the past few days, maybe a week. If I’m being completely honest with myself that’s why I’m not going to church this morning. My emotions are ๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’ chasing ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ

This isn’t the first time, I’ve felt this way. In August 2016 right before I nearly lost my life to asthma. That was my detailed education about mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent. Events leading to that (I literally jus now understood) traumatic experience.

๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ’ญ๐Ÿ•ž๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ•ข๐Ÿ•ค

Putting everything on the line for the man I โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’˜. Yup, that was it. I’m so glad, I decided to blog this morning ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿ‘

R E L A T I O N S H I P ๐Ÿ’Ÿ S T A T U S

Yes, I said it. Men. My partner. My companion. My โค๏ธ is my greatest weakness and strength. It’s definitely one of those “it’s complicated” situations. I trust my boyfriend…

๐Ÿ—ฃ๏ธQuick sidenote: we came up with these cute nicknames ๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿคญ so throughout the blog I shall address him as king ๐Ÿคญโค๏ธ๐Ÿค— ๐Ÿ‘Œ

I trust him with my soul. But the situation we’re in haunts the fuck out of me๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ‘ป. It’s not him. It’s not his fault the traumatic ๐Ÿ’ฉ I went through left me paranoid asf ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿ˜–

๐Ÿ˜“ So, my emotions are wired. Everyone is telling me to keep myself occupied. Stay proactive. Be productiveโ˜๏ธ Think positive ๐Ÿ˜Š

R E F L E C T I O N โ˜•

โ–ช๏ธI’m growing closer spiritually each day ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ That’s one factor I lacked back then. My faith wasn’t strong enough. Jesus saved me this year and God has shown me mercy and Grace ๐Ÿ™ The path I ๐Ÿ‘ฃ is an๐Ÿž๏ธ๐Ÿ—ปโ›ฐ๏ธ๐ŸŒ„ I’m nowhere close to where He wants me to be. I’m reading His words each night. More than I have in my entire life, actually. I find comfort in His all-knowing ๐Ÿ˜Œ

โ–ช๏ธ๐Ÿ“š๐Ÿ“™ The end of the current course is March 3rd. ๐Ÿค” I enjoyed this class. It allowed us to venture the careers in the visual arts industry through disciplines. ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜™๐Ÿ˜Ž I researched animation and graphic design ๐ŸŽจ๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ. Studying anime was ๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿƒ and brought back glorious memories. So much I’m really debating on getting back in to ๐Ÿค“๐Ÿคฏ. There’s only one problem…

I am addicted to anime. Once I start, I can’t stop ๐Ÿ˜ฌ. I haven’t watched it ๐Ÿ˜ญ in two years ๐Ÿ’”. When I think about watching jus one shounen series, I remember them days ๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿค“๐ŸŒพ…

12 hours ๐Ÿ•’โณ… ๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ๐Ÿคช๐Ÿค“๐Ÿ˜ต

Eventually, I’d go to sleep then wake up with a ton of creative ideas๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒ€โ›ˆ๏ธ๐Ÿ™Œ ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜. All noteworthy. Not all story worthy ๐Ÿคท

โ–ช๏ธ๐Ÿ˜’My last relationship lasted for six years. It was an emotional hell-o-coaster ๐Ÿ‘‹๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ’ข It led me down a dark slumpโ˜”. One of the things he did often was hate on my inspiration. I didn’t understand why๐Ÿค” and I genuinely tried to.

๐Ÿ’ข ๐Ÿ˜‘I told him one day, “Why are you so negative? You’re like a giant negative cloud.”

He never gave a plausible deniability btw. Always said something along the lines of having my hopes ๐Ÿ˜ “too high” and “letting me know how reality works” ๐Ÿ˜’ It’s always when you’re completely over them when you see them for ๐Ÿด they are.

๐Ÿ‘‘ King supports ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ˜Œ It’s actually a lil weird ๐Ÿ˜‚ In a good way. He sends me lil cute ๐Ÿ˜โค๏ธ๐Ÿค— texts and messages, which I’m ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿคค๐Ÿ˜‹. We’re coming up on our six month anniversary๐ŸŽŠ

โ–ช๏ธMy ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ๐Ÿ“‘๐Ÿ“– for the next few weeks is jammed. I’ve never been, busy, busy… Before. Me๐Ÿ‘ˆ And I mean, not jus with family and a 9-5, I’m ๐Ÿ“• with design work ebon affects ๐ŸŒผ

๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘ yaaaaaaaas ๐Ÿ™Œ I would like to thank…๐Ÿ˜† But yes ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™Œ

Opportunities. I’m truly blessed and it inspires me to keep going. Looking at all the ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ๐Ÿ“‘ and figuring all the ๐Ÿง ๐Ÿ’ช I’m going to need to succeed is ๐Ÿคฏ. King is really good at bringing me back from the ๐Ÿ•ณ๏ธ

Definitely going to need to keep eating more ๐Ÿฅ—๐Ÿ๐ŸŠ๐Ÿ… than ๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿซ. And stick to my ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿšถโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‹๏ธ and ๐Ÿ›

Writing has really helped๐Ÿ’š

๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘งโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆWorst Mother of the Year

๐Ÿ€March 14th | 16:01

Friends and family applaud what great parenting skills I’m supposed to have. I don’t think of it that way at all. Sure. I ๐Ÿ“– to them every night on the weekdays. I’m a hard discipline when it comes to their education, morals, and life cores. I support their โญ๏ธโœจdreams and goals and encourage them to pursue them. I even go as far as to admit my own faults. I use them as examples of what ๐Ÿšซ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ to do and express profoundly the necessity of positive energy and friends.

I praise them to be themselves and no matter what never shame them for who they are. Even when society deems them as inappropriate or unethical. Because let’s face it๐Ÿ’๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ Nowadays, everyone thinks they know everything about everything and everyone. I am one of the few unlucky weird ones who admit, I don’t ๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ And I’m comfortable with that. I want my kids to be comfortable too.

With that said, I’m not perfect. I cuss a lot ๐Ÿคฌ I say things inappropriate that I regret in front of my children that I have to sometimes rephrase or explain in “child lingo” ๐Ÿ‘ฆ๐Ÿฟ ๐Ÿ‘‘ ๐Ÿ‘ง๐Ÿฟso they don’t get the wrong idea about dear ol’ mom. I’m crude. ๐Ÿ—ฃI say things like, “school hates parents because they keep letting you guys out” or “a whole week with you nerds is going to drive me insane. I need to find y’all some activities so y’all can get the fuck out of the house so I can have some grown-up fun,” and mean it๐Ÿ˜—

I don’t agree with the ๐Ÿซ I don’t attend activities. Princess is well, a princess. My prince of chaos, you get where I’m going. When he does get in trouble, depending on the circumstances, I don’t discipline him to their standards so I’m told I’m a disappointment by the principal ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ

๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€โš–๏ธIn my defense, I’m a firm believer in justice severed. What I mean by that is this isโ€ฆ ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐ŸซHere is an example that actually happened a few days ago. Prince of Chaos was supposed to be taking a computer test. Instead, he was caught changing the coding. He was given a verbal warning AND told he was unable to attend the field trip the next day. Furious, he turned around in FRONT of the computer lab teacher and his homeroom teacher and began coding once more๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพโ€๐Ÿ’ป๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ

His teacher called me after school to let me know he had got written up and wasn’t going on the field. I gave him a hard lecture about not doing his workโ€ฆ And getting caught๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜… Yes, I’m a supporter of his hacks only if he’s not caught ๐Ÿค”why? Because he has to start from somewhere. If he’s interested in coding at this age, I’m going to support him๐Ÿ’ฏ . However, I have rules:

1๏ธโƒฃ You can’t get caught

2๏ธโƒฃ It can’t interfere with your education

๐Ÿ“ตHis punishment:

No computer. No Fronite. No Roblox. No life for him. After a few hours, okay minutes, I admitted it was hilarious ๐Ÿ˜‚ I laughed. Don’t get me wrong, I was disappointed in my prince. But I guess it surprised even me that he did what he did. So when the principal asked what my reaction was and he simply told her I laughed, of course, she was “disappointed”.

๐Ÿ˜’ WTFE Bruh๐Ÿ’๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ

So yeah, I’m not the best mother. I totally admit that shit. I own it. My children knows it too. Would I change my behavior, knowing that I know this about myself๐Ÿค” No. I โค๏ธ who I am. I enjoy that I’m erratically ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿคช๐Ÿ˜ Unpredictable. Intelligent. Unmanageable. I’m one of a kind. My children may not have the best mother but I’m pretty sure I’m not the worst, worst Mother. Oh, Lord I hope I’m not๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Prince of Chaos ๐ŸŽฎ โ–ช๏ธ Queen
K ๐Ÿ‘‘ โ–ช๏ธ Princess Temptress ๐ŸŽ€

๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿบ๐Ÿ’–

The love of a mother is the veil of a softer light between the heart and the heavenly Father.

-SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE

#Boss Lady

It’s me your queen, K

โ˜˜๏ธMarch 14th | 14:42

๐Ÿค”Did I mention, I’m 29? Oh, with two children. Oh yeah, and I started my own business (#ebonaffects). Wait let me throw in the freelance journalist and the full-time job I’m blessed with. ๐Ÿ˜’So yeah, I’m not in the mood for games or men with lil boy mindsets who try to use me as some cash ๐Ÿ„ ploy. Let me jus say that you cannot and will not get a dime from this woman. Not a penny. Not a cent. Not a dusty nickel. What about king?

To be honest with you, which I’m always am and I care less what the world has to say about my honesty, he fucking ghost me. What do I mean by he ๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿ‘ธ๐Ÿฟ ๐Ÿ‘ˆ๐Ÿฟ Well, he disappeared. Without a trace type of shit. I won’t go into too much deets because I don’t really know myself. But I’m sure you can tell by my tone that I’m irritated, annoyed, and honestly fed the fuck up with all this bullshit. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธCome on, kings and queens๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ

๐ŸคจHow hard is it to send a text or message or call or anything to someone you love that you’re in a depressive funk and you rather be alone for a while ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ And this is from someone who is medically diagnosed with bipolar and major depression. Instead, you read all the messages and CHOSE not to reply and EXPECT ME to be okay with it. Then I got this grown ass man with this boy mentality in my inbox on messenger with this bull๐Ÿ’ฉ Talking about, “you not giving me no money.”

๐Ÿ˜คUm hold up โœ‹๐Ÿฟ and fuck you ๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿฟ

You’re in my ๐Ÿ“ฉ Ima need for you to move around with that nonsense because you have pissed off the wrong person. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธWtf is wrong people nowadays? Where are their morals? Men out here are worse than women. Or is it me? I have never done anyone the way these mothea fuckas think they can do me. I’m not perfect. I need Jesus in my life jus like everyone else, but I would NEVER ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿฟdo what these assholes have done to me. โŒNEVERโŒ. It’s not right. Seriously! Jusโ€ฆ

๐Ÿ˜ G T F O H๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ

We are too grown for this nonsense. I didn’t come to THEM asking for anything. In fact, I wouldn’t have known they existed until they reached out to me. ๐Ÿ˜‘ So go ahead and climb off that ๐ŸŽ for me bruh ๐Ÿค  When I meet someone, I ask for โœŒ๐Ÿฟ simple things: Respect and honesty. The rest we can build on and figure along the way. If you can’t bring them two core values then please back the fuck off. Because I’m two minutes from Sally punching a nigga in the throat if I get crossed again.

#Ijs ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿฟ

#Rant Over Queens and Kings

๐Ÿ’˜

Life is full of happiness and tears; be strong and have faith.

-KAREENA KAPOOR KHAN

๐Ÿ’‹Happy Valentine’s Day

๐Ÿ’Have a sweet & wonderful day with your sweetheart & family loves๐Ÿ˜˜

๐Ÿ˜Šโคโคโคโคโคโคโคโค๐Ÿ˜Š

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.

๐Ÿ’•George Sand

A Lil This… A Lil That

One of my many downfalls is breaking consistency. I’ll stop ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ’ป, โœ๏ธ, ๐Ÿ“–. Stop ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿšถโ€โ™€๏ธand eating ๐ŸŽ๐Ÿฅ—๐ŸŠ๐Ÿฅฆ. I’ll completely take advantage of the fact I’m on mine ๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ˜Ž . Slowly slipping off the ๐Ÿ‡. This go round’ ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ’ญ I’m following through on all impulse and running with it.

๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ™Œ Productivity ๐Ÿ™Œ๐ŸŽŠ

A few things…๐Ÿ“‹โ˜‘๏ธ

  • I’m on the ball with ebon affects my freelance iconic imprint. At first, it was established for my digital services but then ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ’ญ long and hard about what it represents and what it could represent… ๐Ÿ˜ฎEureka! Why not include all my professional endeavors๐Ÿ’ which include ๐Ÿ“šnovels, ๐Ÿ“–short stories๐Ÿ“ฐnews articles, ๐Ÿ“ธ and hopefully one-day photography and ๐Ÿ“ˆ๐Ÿ“Š๐Ÿ’ป social media marketing. A whole potluck of services that with consistency I can be great in. Don’t be a stranger check out ebon affects Facebook page, Twitter and Instagram account and if you like what you see follow!! Also, visit ebonaffects.com. It’s my official website and portfolio. It’s still in the WIP stage. I have some many wonderful ideas ๐Ÿค“
  • ๐ŸซI’m is not sure if I told ya but I ๐ŸŽ“ with a certificate in media communications. Yay, ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™Œ From the same university I was granted another all paid opportunity. This time to finish my associates in creative writing. Riveting yes I know.

Lastly, I wanted to say that I had several mental moments where I thought for a while I was going to stay in a dark hole. It was quite uncomfortable and cold. I was angry all the time. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Irritated. Confused. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn’t I control myself? Why is this happening to me?!! Why is everyone looking at me like I’m crazy?!! Am I?!!! Damn it please, Lord, please someone tell me please give me answers!!โ€ฆ.

Well, sweet honey-drop. You are bipolar.

๐ŸŒปTo be continued lovelies

Presenting๐Ÿ“ข

#FamilyTime

A weekend with princess ๐Ÿ‘‘ Bubba spent this weekend with his best friend (๐Ÿค“๐Ÿ˜ thank goodness. Love that prince but the atomic tantrums he throws when he loses at Fornite or Roblox is ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜‘๐Ÿ˜‘๐Ÿ˜‘๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ˜‘).

I haven’t wrote a blog post in some time now. Though, the ๐Ÿ’ญ๐Ÿ’ญ occurred often you’d think I’d sit my ass down and actually type the darn thing ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค” why haven’t Iโ‰๏ธ

Good ๐Ÿง

There’s only one reason; and it’s applied to the many other fails in my life that’s transpired in a short time… There’s ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿต๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’ on my back. The amount of monkey emojis is not for exaggerated emphasis. I have a serious team of procrastinating monkeys leading me down a sloppy hill of binge eating, goofing off, and feeling sorry for myself.

I’m way too๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ to go into great detail at this moment, but know I’ve gained over 10lbs in about a week’s time๐Ÿ–๐Ÿท๐Ÿฎ๐Ÿ„ Which includes actively๐Ÿšถโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿšถโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‹๏ธ my diet outweighs the amount of calories I burn๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜” Yea. That’s a post for another date.

So, I’m chunky and know it and trying to find a healthy way to lose and maintain the loss without falling prey to life’s mayhem ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ Crawling from a depression slump is like climbing out of a deep well. The light grows with each ascend. But the rocks are slick and slippery and some of them are too wedge in its place to climb up. A touch-type of memorization puzzle ๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿง ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ’ญ Kind of like the movie, Jigsaw.

I’m not out the ๐Ÿ•ณ๏ธ yet. I found a stable path. I’m preparing for a consistent comeback. It involves ๐Ÿ’ฒ a ๐Ÿšฒnext week and ๐Ÿšดโ€โ™€๏ธaround ๐Ÿ™๏ธ๐ŸŒ‡ eating ๐Ÿ๐ŸŽ๐Ÿฅ—๐Ÿฅ™ and ๐Ÿ‹๏ธ๐Ÿ’ช at least three times a week. I’m not going๐Ÿ˜…โ„๏ธ๐Ÿฆƒ I’m slowly coming off the ๐Ÿฌ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿซ substituting with ๐Ÿฅ—๐Ÿ‰ and drinking ๐Ÿšฐ before a ๐Ÿฅž๐Ÿณ,๐Ÿฑ, and ๐Ÿฒ.

However… This weekend I made it a girl’s weekend. It’s rare I have one child without the other. When the opportunity rises for a lil 1๏ธโƒฃon1๏ธโƒฃ I’m hands on.

๐Ÿ‘ธ and I have a serious addiction ๐Ÿ˜‚ #FunnyNotFunny ๐Ÿ˜… Explains some of the weight gain๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜… I can laugh about it because I recognize my weakness and taking steps to reconcile the unhealthy behavior. No way I’m saying, I won’t fall prey. Jus saying, I know the problem๐Ÿคท

Besides the incredible diet, we role played Five Nights of Freddy’s with her adorable tiny toys ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜โ™ฅ๏ธ her creativity but not a two-hour fan of pretending to be three characters. The difference between ๐Ÿ“ and ๐ŸŽฌ The delete button.