LOST FURY

🎋today…

December 15th | 14:52

It’s a day after my release from a mental health hospital. i admittingly was forced to go because of my poor choice of words I used with the ER counselor on the 11th. I admit. I was depressed with no visible salvation but homeliness and despair. Its been a tiring month, honestly. I assume things would be rainbows and glitter once I moved. How wrong was I. The job I enjoyed and was blessed to have slipped from my fingers loosely like butter. Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to and around me until I melted in my own mental illness. Truth be told, I allow it to take over me. I ran out of options to move forward so I figured what the hell, mind as well. It cost me three days away from children, which isn’t my first rodeo but is the first that I shed no tears.

Something happened in the mental health hospital that I can’t figure out right now. I know it has something to do with my emotional impact homeliness and around me. It feels as if the soft part of me, the only soft rainbows and, hardened. Now, I am afraid of nothing. I fear nothing but my own to have moved forward. O, the guy I inadvertently fell in love also will my own lack of compromise. I’m sure one day I will soften but I don’t know when. of options, my heart is heavy with love and that love keeps me from doing what I three do for myself and children. Well, it did. Not anymore. I honestly grew that I the feelings of others. You don’t like the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I do the things that I do then fuck off.

Yes, that’s where I am now in life. Emotional wise. I haven’t given up love or feelings jus that it will take a lot or certain buttons need to be press beforeI come to a conscious of caring. I used to think about theirs. How would they feel if I did what I did? Well, not anymore. I did my last Godly deed from the kindnessof my heart when I gave O 150$ so he can get out of prison and spend time withhis family for Christmas. It’s a lil sad but I do not care if he lied to me formonths about our relationship. If he decided to walk away from me then it ishis choice and I hope and pray he doesn’t look back because I will not be thereto take him back. In truth I am exhausted. Perpetually annoyed over the lack ofappreciation I received from those who claim to love me. Beside my parents, mysister, my brother, my best friend and children there’s no one who shares theamount of love that I have for them. So, in truth, I guess, I’m over helping others.I’m unfeeling and worn. Exhausted of these false love and fake relationships. Screwthem all to hell. I deserve better. My whole life I’ve tried to do good byothers. I’m done trying.

A family member was arrested on the 7th and had the audacity to use my name so she couldn’t face jail time. She has made a grave mistake that she will soon understand. There is so much one can take and I have had my limit. I’m not changing nor bending for anyone at least not truthfully. This “good girl” persona that everyone seems to label me is, well, exactly what I need to show whoever cross me jus have devious and diabolical I can be. I know two wrongs doesn’t make a right. That is not good to seek vengeance on those who does harm to me but I don’t care. Not anymore. One thing most are forgetting that I do not jus improve my intellectual being to further my career as a writer and graphic designer.

I shall kill everyone that oppose and threatened my pack with the utmost kindness and a smile they will never forget.

autumn choices

🍂today…

November 25th | 15:18

The wind knocks my screen door hard against the railing, sending a poor Bear alert with each thud. It breaths sharp steel through my body even with a thick jacket. It’s cold. It’s gloomy. Perfect for writing and thinking comfortably in the warmth of my bedroom.

This year I’ve learned so much about myself. not the self I started with. But the self I transformed after experiencing and understanding where and who I am in life. My faith is strong. I know, I need to read His words more. Only then will I have a better of understanding of our King and his mission to bring happiness and mercy upon all his children. I have no excuses for why I am not reading His words. I believe a part of me is terrified to learn the truth of what Father is capable of. I don’t think any child wants to see their parents suffering but doing so jus brings me closer to Him, which I want very much.

I’ve been alone for this past week. The babies have spent most of their time with their dad. I encourage them to. There’s nothing here in our home. There is no gas to keep them and their bellies warm. No proper plumbing to release their waste without strife. It’s difficult holding on, looking forward, but I have managed. However, my children do not understand. Tho they try to so hard comprehend, especially my big man.

It leaves me more time to concentrate on me… everything I’ve done in the past and put aside thinking it’s no longer me has returned in a colorful and welcoming realization. I am an artist of many trades. I am a writer who creates stories from my soul and mind. A designer who hungers to bring the flamboyant rainbow to a perspective that everyone can understand. And a sketch artist who frees her inner demons and godly blessing on to paper to capture the idea before it leaves my mind. They all work together, unified. One always helping the other. It’s beautiful knowing who you are because in truth it really doesn’t matter what others think or say because I am satisfied.

I came to that understanding while soul searching. There’s a lot of people who look for others to pin the blame on. Some unintentionally and other viciously to save their own ass. We all have a choice unless that choice made was forced upon us. The choices we make determine the path we walk. We make our own choices. No one makes them for us. It bothered me when one wants to blame God or Lord Savior Jesus for their predicament or circumstances, forgetting they are not the only beings in our world. Earth is the balance between Heaven and Hell. The choices I make determines where I head. God and Satan do not make us do anything. They simply show a pathway to walk, it is my decisions to follow either lead.

I think this way about life, about people, about everything. It’s not right to cast our opinions forcefully on to others, brainwashing or bribing one to do what the other wants them to do. I think most do not understand that logical way of life. As children and teens and young adults, we tend to follow the leads of others, searching for our own path. It is when we start seeing the difference between right and wrong. Want vs need. Common sense vs illusions that we begin to comprehend who we are.

I am so much more than I thought. I am blessed to gain this sight of realization. One can call me a modern-day hippie hehe because I am at peace with what I’ve become. I love her. I love me. She’s everything I wanted and more and like most, I was blind to see that person looking back at me.

I found you, love.
I found me.

🌼stay tuned for more life is never fair🌼

•••°Word Count: 664°•••

happy🤗

life. well, a lot has happened professionally since the last post. words can’t really describe the productivity and awesomeness that has manifested.

Designs by Ebon is officially open! i am now taking in clientele. if you’re interested or know anyone who is looking for a digital artist/ graphic designer, i am your gal. i charge $75 a project. i won’t go into detail here but you can check out ebonaffects.com for more info.

with all the hype how can i top? i know! i have another client! yay! C#2: he’s a local businessman. we met through Instagram. i’m designing the logo he will use to brand his casual line. nice right? this go ‘round you’ll be able to see each step from the beginning sketch to the final announcement.  follow me on Instagram @ebonaffects / or Designs by Ebon on Facebook. most of my designs progress will be posted on social media. so, let’s tread this road to success together.



📓11:36 PM

STREET LIGHT

Clouds are scarce in the night sky. Light rain pitter patter on princess’s pink umbrella. Her boots strap cling against the leather. Crickets and other insects I rather not imagine sing in the night. Streetlights shine on the roads like dissolve rose gold.


Again my heart flutter. Again it shudders. I wonder if it was I. I wonder if it was something I lack. It was never my fault but because I believed so, I broke. Crumpled. Collapsed. I beat my mind. Shame my heart. But it was never I.

Not alone.


There’s a misunderstanding about my character. He would assume the genuinely conservative feelings I express where all too genuine.


Blind to the unfiltered weakness he sought. It is these feelings that curl when touched with the slightest tone.

They are my flaws. 

What I say is real. What I do is true. It’s that unbelievable notion that will always be my undoing. 

🌻 ‘ello 🌻

good ☀ LINF family

a lot has happened within my absence. i’ve experienced a lot of professional and emotional firsts that i admit, i’m having difficulty adjusting to.  i’ve learned to accept what i cannot change, and challenges what i can. it was during this experience lie the most hardships. it took me quite a minute to realize and understand the reality that is my life. like most i want a good life. a great life and yet like others i refused to accept my current situations. i battled with what i want vs what i need. wanting is great, but without taking care of my needs first, i was lost. i started at the end of my story. lost and confused on where to go from there. stepping back shared a new perspective. new goals. new ideas. new routines that guaranteed accomplishments in the long haul. patience, determination and faith are keys to reaching that fulfillment. and that is where i am today. at the beginning of my story. reevaluating. 


literature update

  • i received my second assignment for the local magazine, which is due October 5th.  my topic is holiday traditions. although, i did well with the first assignment, my ability as a journalist are fairly fresh and somewhat overwhelming. 

… to cope, i started quite early:
researching the selected businesses and topic.
planning and scheduling interview dates. noting well.   

  • i always believed that my writing abilities were great for fantasy stories. however, lately the motivation i once cultivated is no longer mustering as it once had years prior. 

so, i downloaded stories that enticed me mentally.
then i picked up a journal and started writing with no goal or story in mind. surprisingly, i love this method. i noticed that i enjoyed dark psychological short stories. to keep engage i found short story contests that i plan to enter. to name a few contests online: Short Story Competition 2018 | My Best Story ✍ Writing Contests | Tethered by Letters ✍ 


visual update


original | cropped | no filters

the enjoyment of taking nature photographs is not only rewarding but tranquil. yet, i want more. i want to show my envision of the world of me. the vast and vividness of natures own colorful aspect. in heart i feel i am a photographer, armature, but photographer nonetheless. like the other struggles i’ve encountered, i’m not satisfied of my work.

Photoshop | cropped

i recently started investing more time in learning the different techniques one can apply to bring a scene memorable to a greater sight. all in which i’ve applied in Photoshop. doing so, i learned more about the program and my abilities as an artists. ive only completed one touch up. there are a good list of others scheduled for a makeover.


  • there has been a lot of thinking put into the new set of memes design and reaching out to a greater a audience. though Instagram is visual, i lack the skills to really connect and improve my online presence. i’ve thought of many ways to go about it, but none seems to advertise my skills properly to the public.

🤔so, the question of the week is: what design examples can i create to showcase my knowledge and abilities? i’ve narrowed my lists of possibilities to inventing a made up business and then design advertising documents to go with said business. on the list, i have: a flower shop, a restaurant, and a community project. these are a few ideas. friends, if you have any suggestions please leave a comment below!  all suggestions are welcomed!


a walk down the alley

🌼 ☀9:18 AM

this morning i walk the back alleys of my small country town. it was said they run through the city parallel to the houses and businesses. a straight line connecting street to street. the perspective,well, awesome. maybe it’s jus me, but i believe during the day, the alleys are there to encourage walking. for one, you can get lost. if you walk forward, you’ll notice the alleys break as would any intersection. so, jus turn around and go the opposite way 😬😏

don’t get me wrong. once they connect to the main road the pathway cuts off. but that’s a mile out before you make the decision to cross or jus go to the next alley. i prefer the latter for a safer walk. if you’re like me and needs to write everything awe inspiring before it fades then you’re probably pecking away at your device while occasionally lookin to see if there are anyone in front or behind you.

the amazing part about this walk was how different and unique each pathway are. small daycare playground, empty of occupants reflect the vibrant colors of play. chatter and laughter from the homes. for the most part it’s quite, which makes seeing and hearing such memorable.

as i am walking with my ear buds in, softly playing Christian music in the background, i occasionally find these unusal but pretty damn amazing and inspiring mementos, which is filtered to replicate the lens of my sunglasses.

20180818_0941237259008892101774593.jpg

up close

purple flower

 

white flower

jus going out and doing what i want knowing my kids are safe made me realize that anything is possible with purpose. and i believe as God’s children, we’re capable of juggling multiple purposes with the right mindset.

👣 I’ve walked a total of 5,555 steps so far today. my goal is 7,000.

🌼believe in the unbelievable

how are you?

🌼success is no accident. it is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do -Pele

afternoon my royal friends. jus wanted to stop by and say hey. i hope your week is going well.

over these past few weeks, i’ve been thinking of ways to stay engage and consistent with all my social media; personal and professional.

the truth is with this new job as a freelance journalist and graphics designer, and working from home as a customer service agent (again. need to keep the babies fed) i noticed that there aren’t as many hours in the day. basically, i’m still adjusting to these new changes.

speaking of journalism, i received my first assignment last week. i was enthralled and nervous, interviewing the local business owners. i turned my assignment in on the 10th. now, i’m jus waiting on a reply from the boss. nail biting, i know. honestly, i used to think customer service wasn’t me. however ten years of service did me well on the field.

🤔… Samara. journalist🤗

other wonderful news… i am an official author🙌 one of my short stories was chosen to be published in Z Publishing Housing Emerging Oklahoma Writers Anthology. yup. took me over three years but i finally accomplished it. the chosen story is Karen. the published story is a lot cleaner than the original, gory, piece. my pen name is ks affects. you can check out the publication 👉🏾here 👈🏾 

i have a feeling that this is only the beginning of my career. thank you for supporting me through this journey.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things.

 

🌼i gather strength from life’s storms -Jonathan L Huie🌼

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