Long Ways From Nothin

Let’s try something out of the box. Let’s remove insecurities and doubts. Love and complications, worries, and whatnots.

Now, let’s move forward without a thought. Following our instincts, I ask; where are you now?…

I’ll tell you where I am. I’m neither somewhere terrible nor fantastic. I have an apartment again after losing everything, and I mean everything. Lost several jobs and my home. I plummeted into a never-ending dark tunnel. I failed two of my creative writing courses and graphics design business… Yeah, what company?

Tragically disappointing. I was disgusted in myself during that time and smoked through my sorrows to pass the days. I moved from the country to the city.

But I manage. Adjusted. I have a job, graduated with a associates in creative writing. Working towards getting back into school to finish my ultimate goal of getting my bachelors in graphics design. The business hasn’t fallen apart jus put aside to work on financial bearings and stability. I was a tad dramatic, yes but the feelings are just. I spent a solid two years coming out and building my business. I wasn’t ready to put aside but it was something I had to do to if I wanted to see it thrive tomorrow. I calmed. Accepted. Adapted. I’m good. Everything is golden. And I’ve even got back to my hobby, photography! Though, I’m not in the country I’m still close. Beautiful, aren’t they?

So what’s my deal? Honestly, I’m not happy professionally. I’m satisfied with my employer. I even got promoted with a raise less than two months after training but it’s not me. I’m not customer service, ya know, Luvs?

I’m creative. I love color and exploring and creating. I dabbled in journalism, and that’s not me either. I’m not that kind of artistic mediator. It’s been well over ten years, Luvs. I’ve blamed it on my depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, my situations, my family, my relationships its time to face the real reason– it’s me. I’m scared to look for work in the graphics design field or anything related because I’m terrified of rejection. I can handle being rejected in anything else, but in graphics design, my life work, I don’t know. That frightens my soul which burns design.

But I have to do this. I’m not happy professionally and I’m not helping my family nor myself settling for something I know I don’t want to do. So, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna look for work in the graphics design field in Tulsa, OK. What’s the worst thing that can happen–oh, I know! Rejection, criticism, normal job hunting reality.



Birds chirp spring delight. The sun warms my face as cool wind breeze by. As I walk down the sidewalk, numb and callous I can’t help to wonder what went wrong with my life.

I’m here again in a predicament where I’m forced to uproot with a broken heart and confuse. My greatest sin was and still is that I love others more than I love myself. And at the end of every dance. Every song. Every sweet nothing. I’m alone. Words are the most powerful weapon a human can use against another. It can break us. Lift us. Inspire us. Torment us. Words are dangerous. Even a simple-minded fool can twist his tongue and produce a sentence to seduce an enchantress.

I know these things, yet I fall prey to these tactics so often that I question my own identity. I tell my children to watch what they say. Choose their words wisely. That even the words they don’t speak can leave a scar so deep it gashes a person’s innermost so be careful with what they don’t say too.

Then there’s me. Great at giving advice. Not so much at implementing. Guess we all have our downfalls. Mine, again, has done its job and I have fallen into a murky pit of my own despair. Despite, everything that has happened to me. The numbing. The callousing. The fear of giving my heart to another, I’m hopeful.

I’m hopeful that’ll I stop this cycle. That I’ll break free because I’m tired. Jus when I think I’ve found the answers to all my problems, I’m pushed back by the reality of life. The harsh truth of the words from those I love and care deeply for. I love too hard, yes. I care too deep, yes. It is something, I’m learning about myself. I probably would never change and might not want to.

Instead, I need to trust my innermost. When I feel the change. The sudden concerning that something isn’t right, I need to trust those feelings. Because they have been right so far. I jus been ignoring them. Conclusion, March ends. I’m swollen in tears. Overwhelmed with moving, keeping ahead of school so I can graduate with my associates in June, staying a productive and efficient employer and entrepreneur all while striving to be the best single parent I can be. 

This shit isn’t easy. But no one said life would be. 

Awkward In A Good Way

🛀 Morning lovelies.

🤔 Where to begin…😬

😅Oh yes, it’s been one of those transitions. Awkward in a good way tho 😁🙌

It feels awkward talking about it. I feel like I’m being too prideful and that jus doesn’t fit well with me🙅

Maybe that’s how I’m feeling because its past my bedtime😴 Possible.

Let’s start off with a simple life is never simple. And sometimes, jus sometimes, I wish I can climb somebody’s attic (because I don’t have one) and hide up there for a bit.

M E N T A L 🌻 I L L N E S S

I’ve written about my lonely judgemental friend depression. I’ve gone into grand detail about her emotional attacks to my mentality. How she dampens my creativity. Constricts my social interactions. She’s a pretty mean 🤬 in a suicidal way.

Every month she gets a visit from aunt flow🥀. Now that flower power menstrual only encourages her to do her worse😠😈

However, someone else moved in. Her name is bipolar…

😣 This is actually a very sensitive subject for me. I can’t believe, I typed the words and posted it 😮😔 it’s one thing to think about something heavy on your and another when you complete the actions to share it online.

I keep finding myself trying to be happy and upbeat to write this post, but that’s not how I feel anymore.

Wow 😔 seriously. Jus wow. It has been a constant high and low for the past few days, maybe a week. If I’m being completely honest with myself that’s why I’m not going to church this morning. My emotions are 🐵🐒🐵🐒🐵🐒🐵🐒 chasing 🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌

This isn’t the first time, I’ve felt this way. In August 2016 right before I nearly lost my life to asthma. That was my detailed education about mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent. Events leading to that (I literally jus now understood) traumatic experience.


Putting everything on the line for the man I ❤️💘. Yup, that was it. I’m so glad, I decided to blog this morning 🙌👏

R E L A T I O N S H I P 💟 S T A T U S

Yes, I said it. Men. My partner. My companion. My ❤️ is my greatest weakness and strength. It’s definitely one of those “it’s complicated” situations. I trust my boyfriend…

🗣️Quick sidenote: we came up with these cute nicknames 🤭🤭 so throughout the blog I shall address him as king 🤭❤️🤗 👌

I trust him with my soul. But the situation we’re in haunts the fuck out of me😫😭👻. It’s not him. It’s not his fault the traumatic 💩 I went through left me paranoid asf 🙊😔😖

😓 So, my emotions are wired. Everyone is telling me to keep myself occupied. Stay proactive. Be productive☝️ Think positive 😊

R E F L E C T I O N ☕

▪️I’m growing closer spiritually each day 🕊️ That’s one factor I lacked back then. My faith wasn’t strong enough. Jesus saved me this year and God has shown me mercy and Grace 🙏 The path I 👣 is an🏞️🗻⛰️🌄 I’m nowhere close to where He wants me to be. I’m reading His words each night. More than I have in my entire life, actually. I find comfort in His all-knowing 😌

▪️📚📙 The end of the current course is March 3rd. 🤔 I enjoyed this class. It allowed us to venture the careers in the visual arts industry through disciplines. 😊😙😎 I researched animation and graphic design 🎨🖥️. Studying anime was 😌🍃 and brought back glorious memories. So much I’m really debating on getting back in to 🤓🤯. There’s only one problem…

I am addicted to anime. Once I start, I can’t stop 😬. I haven’t watched it 😭 in two years 💔. When I think about watching jus one shounen series, I remember them days 🖥️😌🤓🌾…

12 hours 🕒⏳… 🖥️🤪🤓😵

Eventually, I’d go to sleep then wake up with a ton of creative ideas🌈🌀⛈️🙌 😉😁. All noteworthy. Not all story worthy 🤷

▪️😒My last relationship lasted for six years. It was an emotional hell-o-coaster 👋😠😤💢 It led me down a dark slump☔. One of the things he did often was hate on my inspiration. I didn’t understand why🤔 and I genuinely tried to.

💢 😑I told him one day, “Why are you so negative? You’re like a giant negative cloud.”

He never gave a plausible deniability btw. Always said something along the lines of having my hopes 😐 “too high” and “letting me know how reality works” 😒 It’s always when you’re completely over them when you see them for 🐴 they are.

👑 King supports 💯😌 It’s actually a lil weird 😂 In a good way. He sends me lil cute 😍❤️🤗 texts and messages, which I’m 🍭🤤😋. We’re coming up on our six month anniversary🎊

▪️My 🗓️📑📖 for the next few weeks is jammed. I’ve never been, busy, busy… Before. Me👈 And I mean, not jus with family and a 9-5, I’m 📕 with design work ebon affects 🌼

😃😁👍 yaaaaaaaas 🙌 I would like to thank…😆 But yes 🙏🙌

Opportunities. I’m truly blessed and it inspires me to keep going. Looking at all the 🗓️📑 and figuring all the 🧠💪 I’m going to need to succeed is 🤯. King is really good at bringing me back from the 🕳️

Definitely going to need to keep eating more 🥗🍏🍊🍅 than 🍩🍫. And stick to my 💪🚶‍♀️🏋️ and 🛐

Writing has really helped💚

Thru It All

This was originally posted on my supposedly hidden blog but I forgot my hidden credentials and have been regularly posting using my daily login… Ha..he..yeah. Before I share this short sweet poem, ya know I like to update about my life. So, I’m going to do that real fast.

I’m still struggling with my depression. Um, now more than ever. It hurts to focus on what’s needed when what’s required is not engaging or visually satisfying. When I’m in my dark place, I like to zone out. Be alone. Get lost in art. I spend a lot of time on my computer designing, working on client work. However that doesn’t bring in the coins like I’d like. Conflicting.

It became a great struggle after I discovered the enormous amount of rain caved in the garage that stored all of my possessions and destroyed everything. Pictures of my children. Drawings from 2009 that meant so much more. Gone. Soaked and/or molded. Mostly both. Rummaging through everything was a toll not only on my heart, I also got sick the next day.

I can’t lie and say I wanted to scream and give up. I can’t lie and say I want to do that now, but I held it together.

Now, I have an apartment. Now, I’m getting back on track, slowly. I completed this course assignment. Graduation is approaching steadily. I recently got a promotion in my customer service job. And picked up a few clients for my graphic design business. Yes, my life is picking back up and becoming chaotic with each day, but I got this.

I have to remember to slow down. To enjoy the lil things and moments in life. Because you never know when you’ll lose someone and I have loss someone. My brother. I lossed him a day ago, and I’ll never get him back. Never. My lil bro who played too many pranks and couldn’t sit still for anything. My lil bro who teamed with my other bro and ran the streets like screeching monkeys just because they could. My lil bro who grew up into a fine man yet still underneath the facial hair and cockiness was still my goofy bro. His life was snuffed from him, and I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.

• Lil Bro

To think time has stopped for you

Is something I cannot come to terms

You are my lil brother. My big head. My germ.

You played too much bro. You just didn’t understand the word no.

I don’t remember much about my past

But I remember my friends; they are my pack

Thru trauma of type, you were there being you

So, I lost more than a friend; I lost a brother too

Would you believe me if I said something along the lines a city can be jus as tainted as it’s people. Or maybe it’s jus the reflection of it’s occupant? Idk. What I do know is that being home is as bittersweet as a reunion at a loved one’s memorial.

It’s great to be around friends and family. But since coming back home, I’ve noticed a drastic difference between me and my kids and everyone else around us. We get side eyed like we’re foreign. It’s cool. We enjoy our originality.  Uniqueness.

But have you ever felt different that it was obvious not only to those around you, but yourself too?

I’m finding it difficult to find someone to relate too. So far, I’ve hung with several groups with unique background and lifestyles. I get the same befuddle expression once I start talking, sharing. I’m not complaining. I’m not saying that there’s something wrong with me or them.


It’s jus not me. I’ve grown, confirmed my identity.

I haven’t found my clique, per say. My pack at the moment consists of my children and a few friends. I jus want that one person to relate to on an intellectual level that’s not all seriousness and filed with R&B and sex music. Idky that’s a huge thing here but it is. Part of my culture that I never really liked. I like some R&B, but I’m more into music like Marshmallow, Skrillex, Diplo, Hasley, 30 Seconds to Mars, Linkin Park, etc. Techno and alternative.

It’s okay, IDAGF most times nowadays. I’m enjoying my solitude and down time.

I’m a lil meaner. A lil numb. Experience paved me stoned these last few losses. If I had to describe my mood, you could say I’m sort of a Harley Quinn. I consider myself intelligent and many people would agree. My heart is warm, big and left open in the palm of my hands. Don’t get too close though, because now there’s traps enclosed behind my smile. I laugh away the pain, the suffering, the hurt. When I’m not focus on my children, my games, my work, I’m wandering in thought and to those looking outside in I’m, “Are you okay?”

… I smile. Laugh more. I’m going through changes and to others they perceive me as this young, dazed, drugged woman (actually heard a few gossip). To them, I probably don’t have my shit together and idc. When it’s quite the opposite. I’ve been through so much, my mind and body found a way to process everything that jus seems off to everyone else. So, I seem crazed. Doesn’t help that I dress and act outside the normalcy of my generation, either. Oh, well.

Life is a learning experience.

I’m a perspective woman. When I focus, I focus. I hear what’s around me even tho it seems like I’m not paying attention. I’ve been in two situations where I came to that realization. I’m a lil different from everyone around me, which is okay. No big deal. Good to know is all👌🏾.

It explains a lot. I tend to give off this, “she doesn’t have it all up there” impression. This is where my newfound/not really jus the ol’ me attitude come into play. In the past, I would fall into a slump. Become depressed by the weight of glares and disappointment. Ig now, I’m over it all.

So, what I’m a lil awkward. You feelin uncomfortable, bruh? My bad, move around then. I’m not changing. Not anymore. It’s because of those changes why I’m a lil #HarleyQuinn now.

#iam original 

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