autumn choices

🍂today…

November 25th | 15:18

The wind knocks my screen door hard against the railing, sending a poor Bear alert with each thud. It breaths sharp steel through my body even with a thick jacket. It’s cold. It’s gloomy. Perfect for writing and thinking comfortably in the warmth of my bedroom.

This year I’ve learned so much about myself. not the self I started with. But the self I transformed after experiencing and understanding where and who I am in life. My faith is strong. I know, I need to read His words more. Only then will I have a better of understanding of our King and his mission to bring happiness and mercy upon all his children. I have no excuses for why I am not reading His words. I believe a part of me is terrified to learn the truth of what Father is capable of. I don’t think any child wants to see their parents suffering but doing so jus brings me closer to Him, which I want very much.

I’ve been alone for this past week. The babies have spent most of their time with their dad. I encourage them to. There’s nothing here in our home. There is no gas to keep them and their bellies warm. No proper plumbing to release their waste without strife. It’s difficult holding on, looking forward, but I have managed. However, my children do not understand. Tho they try to so hard comprehend, especially my big man.

It leaves me more time to concentrate on me… everything I’ve done in the past and put aside thinking it’s no longer me has returned in a colorful and welcoming realization. I am an artist of many trades. I am a writer who creates stories from my soul and mind. A designer who hungers to bring the flamboyant rainbow to a perspective that everyone can understand. And a sketch artist who frees her inner demons and godly blessing on to paper to capture the idea before it leaves my mind. They all work together, unified. One always helping the other. It’s beautiful knowing who you are because in truth it really doesn’t matter what others think or say because I am satisfied.

I came to that understanding while soul searching. There’s a lot of people who look for others to pin the blame on. Some unintentionally and other viciously to save their own ass. We all have a choice unless that choice made was forced upon us. The choices we make determine the path we walk. We make our own choices. No one makes them for us. It bothered me when one wants to blame God or Lord Savior Jesus for their predicament or circumstances, forgetting they are not the only beings in our world. Earth is the balance between Heaven and Hell. The choices I make determines where I head. God and Satan do not make us do anything. They simply show a pathway to walk, it is my decisions to follow either lead.

I think this way about life, about people, about everything. It’s not right to cast our opinions forcefully on to others, brainwashing or bribing one to do what the other wants them to do. I think most do not understand that logical way of life. As children and teens and young adults, we tend to follow the leads of others, searching for our own path. It is when we start seeing the difference between right and wrong. Want vs need. Common sense vs illusions that we begin to comprehend who we are.

I am so much more than I thought. I am blessed to gain this sight of realization. One can call me a modern-day hippie hehe because I am at peace with what I’ve become. I love her. I love me. She’s everything I wanted and more and like most, I was blind to see that person looking back at me.

I found you, love.
I found me.

🌼stay tuned for more life is never fair🌼

•••°Word Count: 664°•••

📓11:36 PM

STREET LIGHT

Clouds are scarce in the night sky. Light rain pitter patter on princess’s pink umbrella. Her boots strap cling against the leather. Crickets and other insects I rather not imagine sing in the night. Streetlights shine on the roads like dissolve rose gold.

Again my heart flutter. Again it shudders. I wonder if it was I. I wonder if it was something I lack. It was never my fault but because I believed so, I broke. Crumpled. Collapsed. I beat my mind. Shame my heart. But it was never I.

Not alone.

There’s a misunderstanding about my character. He would assume the genuinely conservative feelings I express where all too genuine.

Blind to the unfiltered weakness he sought. It is these feelings that curl when touched with the slightest tone.

They are my flaws. 

What I say is real. What I do is true. It’s that unbelievable notion that will always be my undoing. 

a walk down the alley

🌼 ☀9:18 AM

this morning i walk the back alleys of my small country town. it was said they run through the city parallel to the houses and businesses. a straight line connecting street to street. the perspective,well, awesome. maybe it’s jus me, but i believe during the day, the alleys are there to encourage walking. for one, you can get lost. if you walk forward, you’ll notice the alleys break as would any intersection. so, jus turn around and go the opposite way 😬😏

don’t get me wrong. once they connect to the main road the pathway cuts off. but that’s a mile out before you make the decision to cross or jus go to the next alley. i prefer the latter for a safer walk. if you’re like me and needs to write everything awe inspiring before it fades then you’re probably pecking away at your device while occasionally lookin to see if there are anyone in front or behind you.

the amazing part about this walk was how different and unique each pathway are. small daycare playground, empty of occupants reflect the vibrant colors of play. chatter and laughter from the homes. for the most part it’s quite, which makes seeing and hearing such memorable.

as i am walking with my ear buds in, softly playing Christian music in the background, i occasionally find these unusal but pretty damn amazing and inspiring mementos, which is filtered to replicate the lens of my sunglasses.

 

jus going out and doing what i want knowing my kids are safe made me realize that anything is possible with purpose. and i believe as God’s children, we’re capable of juggling multiple purposes with the right mindset.

👣 I’ve walked a total of 5,555 steps so far today. my goal is 7,000.

🌼believe in the unbelievable
☕

a walk

☕August 3rd | 8:12 pm

as an artist i believe we see the world a tad different from others. when the sun sets it’s jus not an orange and yellow glow. it’s a bursting of bright tones, ranging from the different shades of yellow. orange. red. the sky isn’t jus blue and pink. it’s a collide of colors stretching across the earth. it’s fascinating. walking has it’s benefits. wouldn’t you agree?🤔💭

🌼📓2:15am

July 22nd 2018

for the first time in a long i had a meaningful conversation from someone who cares. others have relied the same awareness about what’s tearing and eroding me from the inside. everyone meant well. but it was this call that opened my eyes to the biggest thought/problem that ails me. i understand Ii have a very long road ahead. the chapter of my pre-adulthood has ended. a new one has begun and i know it’s going to take all my strength physically, emotionally, and mentally to successfully turn the pages. i know i am going to make mistakes. i’m going to break down in to an emotional whirlwind. that’s who i am. it’s what i do when i’m feeling confused or overwhelmed. disheartened or at the pit of a darkened forgotten well.

what do i need to do to take control of this situation?

i need to remind myself that i am imperfect. shit happens. life goes on.  and no matter what is happening i have a choice. no matter how elating or grim they may be, i have a choice. and that choice dictates my emotions.

🌼

🌼📓11:36pm

June 13th 2018

i’ve been having trouble. trouble as in i’ve lost myself somehow if that is possible… again, yes. my mother came over. i felt like things had drastically stepped back. and in a way it did. i stepped back. i coiled inside myself. is it possible to lose oneself in an instance? i lost the part of me that is meticulous. the part of me that kept everyone, and everything organized. i don’t know how i really wish i hadn’t.

i truly dislike that i stepped back. but at the same time i believe i truly dislike moving forward. i think it’s the change. and that scares me. that scares me more than anything i honestly believe.

when the sun sets. when it’s time for bed. that is when i feel the anticipation. anxiousness. the need to reach out. dependent. on anyone, really. and that reaching out feeling sides track me more than i’d imagine.

i guess. i don’t know 🤷🏾‍♀️

i want to move forward. i know the dependent feeling is a veil i created to hold myself back. lying to myself. confusing myself. distracting myself.

i can’t keep living like this

🌼

 

🌼📓3:44pm

April 26, 2018

the days are passin. freelancing, school, and now work, yup have a part-time to bring in a lil extra 🤑🤑spending coins before i take off on my trip in august✈ speaking of trips, while its still flutterin in my mind, there is something i must share. honestly its a lil embarrassing and sometime humiliating😧 posting my life story but idgaf. it helps ME👑 the woman diagnosed with sever major depression recurrent. a mother of two beautiful children and one furbaby. an artists of all sorts. a nature enthusiast. a believer of the unbelievable. so, with that lil who-ha out the way. now to pressing matters. well, not really, but really. B, the guy i am smitten over. the guy who lives in Seattle and i in Oklahoma. him.

❤i love him❤

i know wtf ks😲😒 you jus got out a six year relationship. yea, well 💁‍♀️💩 happens. i like him. i found we had a lot in common. i found a comfort zone other than my sissy. i found a best friend.💕 i love him, yes. but in a family-possible-potential lover way🤷‍♀️  he’s jus that type of guy.  too honest. too friendly. ambitious. family-oriented. too funny😍

too apathetic😔

we are compatible up until the expressing feelins part. i am too emotional. oh and let us not forget depression’s best friend, anxiety.  she overstayed her visit a week ago and threw havoc today at the emergency room…

🗣side note‼ bubba had a postmodern seizure, which i jus learned, this morning. this is his second time and for the first time i saw the involuntary movement of his👀😨😱 scared tf out of me. of course i called 911 as soon as i saw them eyeballs move left and right continuous. he’s feelin a lot better and we have a follow-up appointment with a neurologist the coming Thursday.

i definitely flipped 💩 i paced back in front, worrying about his health as he slept. the last couple of hours i attempted to focus on school, which i’ve gotten a lot of research done for this week’s tasks. and as i’m sitting there, submerged in my thoughts, B floats to mind

i have a feelin that i am driving him away with my emotional needs💯 btw my symptoms comes faithfully at least once a month, lasting a minimum of two weeks. i’m an emotional wreck. dating makes it worse. i have ran away a lot of suitors because of my spontaneous cycle. and now the same thing might happen to the one i gave my heart to. i know. i know. what am i doing to myself.

💁‍♀️i’m being honest.

when i’m depress i tend to cling to the one closest to me. sis has settled with her bae. i really don’t have anyone to vent to nowadays. writing will always help  but its not the same as communicating audibly. i grew quite close to B. i dont think he feels the same way as i do. i haven’t cried yet, but my chest aches sometimes thinking about it. i’ve never felt this way about any other man before.

i wrote a letter to B. i emailed it to him. i poured my heart, hoping to enlighten him about how my depression works, which btw idk really myself. its an experience type of situation. i need to be involved in order to figure the best solution. and idk how to fix this issue. this hurt in my heart. this overwhelming throb in my thoughts.

idk friends🤷‍♀️

depression (dp) vent 🌼 ongoing – 04-26-18
Stability⚠  ⚠

🌼