Merry Christmas

🎄tonight…

December 25th | 20:04

I wish, I could say, I’m blogging tonight on good terms. I am experiencing another one of life lil choices. Before I go into the choice, I would like to provide a lil backstory. October 2011, I met a guy who had potential to be more than what he appeared. I believed and trusted and kept thinking that in due time he will see what loving a family means. A year later we had our precious princess. I ignored the signs that told me otherwise, that this man, who I truly wanted to become more than what he was, was not that man. Yet a snake in the grass. He cheated. He lied. Manipulated. Twisted the one thing he knew he could twist and bend and took advantage of me like a fiddle. A repeated song, that played for 6 years until finally, after nearly losing my life, my family, and myself, I broke free.

Now, though I want nothing to do with this snake, we have a princess together and I couldn’t jus take her father from her, even though he sat for 6 years of her life on the couch, on the bed, smoking marijuana and playing videos games. He had no real contribute to her life other than his mother who he ripped off with lies about how he needed money to do this and that. I put up with that when were together. Thinking that I didn’t have to suffer to that lack of ambiguous and self-resilient life, I bent backwards and forward to co-parent with this man and now his girlfriend/ “wife”.  

Yea, I know. It seems like I’m jus the jealous ex. Slandering the father of her daughter because they’re not together. Please, believe me when I say this: leaving him was the healthiest and righteous thing I could do for me and my children. I have no envious bone towards what they built. But I do have a problem with the environment if I feel like its unhealthy for princess. Again, seems like jealousy. Maybe a lil part of me is jealous that his good for nothin ass found someone else but I’m not surprised and has or ever will plan to homewreck what they have. I sincerely despised the man with an eternal flame that ignited the 1^st year of our relationship and has been blazing since. What I dislike about this family that the 8-year-old girl or 10-year-old boy have no respect for their mother and talks quite awful about her mother’s new partner. Though I don’t blame them. He is truly poison.

These children are subjected to a life that is not heavily impacted by education, which bothers me so because education is highly important to me and is the foundation of a better future. Instead these children run with no shoes nor warm clothing in below temperature weather. Honestly, I feel very judgmental, but I believe it’s what I overhear and what I observe that is unnerving. They have no respect for their parents and jus explode with anger when they disagree with their parents and she does nothing to address it. It happens so much that my own princess believed that she too could do that. I attempted to plead with her father and his girlfriend my concerns, but they disregarded it like I spat nonsense. I do not like being disrespected, especially by a child. I’ve tried, and God knows how I tried to co-parent. But truth be told, I’ve been raising my children alone all this time, I don’t want any help. I can’t fathom how they can live with no furniture but have money to splurge on junk and drugs.

I know very well it’s me. I do not want my children around that type of living. They’ve already isolated my son saying that he can’t come over their place yet let their children do what they want. So, tonight I gave in to the hate broiling inside and told her father she would not be over his house or around that family as much. I am restricting her from that environment and him. I know, I’m the bad mom. The bitch. The jealous ex. Whatever. Call me what you feel. But I am done working things out.  I am done trying to get along with people who are not serious about their children future.

She’s going to hate me I know, my princess. But I’m willingly to bite that bullet. Fuck with everyone else has to say. Fuck how everyone else will feel. I truly and for the first time, do not give a fuck. I am exhausted.

For now on, I am that petty bitch. That “baby mama” who does everything in her right to get what she deserves, especially when it comes to my children.

I am now playing the role of the villain.

LOST FURY

🎋today…

December 15th | 14:52

It’s a day after my release from a mental health hospital. i admittingly was forced to go because of my poor choice of words I used with the ER counselor on the 11^th. I admit. I was depressed with no visible salvation but homeliness and despair. Its been a tiring month, honestly. I assume things would be rainbows and glitter once I moved. How wrong was I. The job I enjoyed and was blessed to have slipped from my fingers loosely like butter. Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to and around me until I melted in my own mental illness. Truth be told, I allow it to take over me. I ran out of options to move forward so I figured what the hell, mind as well. It cost me three days away from children, which isn’t my first rodeo but is the first that I shed no tears.

Something happened in the mental health hospital that I can’t figure out right now. I know it has something to do with my emotional impact homeliness and around me. It feels as if the soft part of me, the only soft rainbows and, hardened. Now, I am afraid of nothing. I fear nothing but my own to have moved forward. O, the guy I inadvertently fell in love also will my own lack of compromise. I’m sure one day I will soften but I don’t know when. of options, my heart is heavy with love and that love keeps me from doing what I three do for myself and children. Well, it did. Not anymore. I honestly grew that I the feelings of others. You don’t like the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I do the things that I do then fuck off.

Yes, that’s where I am now in life. Emotional wise. I haven’t given up love or feelings jus that it will take a lot or certain buttons need to be press beforeI come to a conscious of caring. I used to think about theirs. How would they feel if I did what I did? Well, not anymore. I did my last Godly deed from the kindnessof my heart when I gave O 150$ so he can get out of prison and spend time withhis family for Christmas. It’s a lil sad but I do not care if he lied to me formonths about our relationship. If he decided to walk away from me then it ishis choice and I hope and pray he doesn’t look back because I will not be thereto take him back. In truth I am exhausted. Perpetually annoyed over the lack ofappreciation I received from those who claim to love me. Beside my parents, mysister, my brother, my best friend and children there’s no one who shares theamount of love that I have for them. So, in truth, I guess, I’m over helping others.I’m unfeeling and worn. Exhausted of these false love and fake relationships. Screwthem all to hell. I deserve better. My whole life I’ve tried to do good byothers. I’m done trying.

A family member was arrested on the 7^th and had the audacity to use my name so she couldn’t face jail time. She has made a grave mistake that she will soon understand. There is so much one can take and I have had my limit. I’m not changing nor bending for anyone at least not truthfully. This “good girl” persona that everyone seems to label me is, well, exactly what I need to show whoever cross me jus have devious and diabolical I can be. I know two wrongs doesn’t make a right. That is not good to seek vengeance on those who does harm to me but I don’t care. Not anymore. One thing most are forgetting that I do not jus improve my intellectual being to further my career as a writer and graphic designer.

I shall kill everyone that oppose and threatened my pack with the utmost kindness and a smile they will never forget.

autumn choices

🍂today…

November 25th | 15:18

The wind knocks my screen door hard against the railing, sending a poor Bear alert with each thud. It breaths sharp steel through my body even with a thick jacket. It’s cold. It’s gloomy. Perfect for writing and thinking comfortably in the warmth of my bedroom.

This year I’ve learned so much about myself. not the self I started with. But the self I transformed after experiencing and understanding where and who I am in life. My faith is strong. I know, I need to read His words more. Only then will I have a better of understanding of our King and his mission to bring happiness and mercy upon all his children. I have no excuses for why I am not reading His words. I believe a part of me is terrified to learn the truth of what Father is capable of. I don’t think any child wants to see their parents suffering but doing so jus brings me closer to Him, which I want very much.

I’ve been alone for this past week. The babies have spent most of their time with their dad. I encourage them to. There’s nothing here in our home. There is no gas to keep them and their bellies warm. No proper plumbing to release their waste without strife. It’s difficult holding on, looking forward, but I have managed. However, my children do not understand. Tho they try to so hard comprehend, especially my big man.

It leaves me more time to concentrate on me… everything I’ve done in the past and put aside thinking it’s no longer me has returned in a colorful and welcoming realization. I am an artist of many trades. I am a writer who creates stories from my soul and mind. A designer who hungers to bring the flamboyant rainbow to a perspective that everyone can understand. And a sketch artist who frees her inner demons and godly blessing on to paper to capture the idea before it leaves my mind. They all work together, unified. One always helping the other. It’s beautiful knowing who you are because in truth it really doesn’t matter what others think or say because I am satisfied.

I came to that understanding while soul searching. There’s a lot of people who look for others to pin the blame on. Some unintentionally and other viciously to save their own ass. We all have a choice unless that choice made was forced upon us. The choices we make determine the path we walk. We make our own choices. No one makes them for us. It bothered me when one wants to blame God or Lord Savior Jesus for their predicament or circumstances, forgetting they are not the only beings in our world. Earth is the balance between Heaven and Hell. The choices I make determines where I head. God and Satan do not make us do anything. They simply show a pathway to walk, it is my decisions to follow either lead.

I think this way about life, about people, about everything. It’s not right to cast our opinions forcefully on to others, brainwashing or bribing one to do what the other wants them to do. I think most do not understand that logical way of life. As children and teens and young adults, we tend to follow the leads of others, searching for our own path. It is when we start seeing the difference between right and wrong. Want vs need. Common sense vs illusions that we begin to comprehend who we are.

I am so much more than I thought. I am blessed to gain this sight of realization. One can call me a modern-day hippie hehe because I am at peace with what I’ve become. I love her. I love me. She’s everything I wanted and more and like most, I was blind to see that person looking back at me.

I found you, love.
I found me.

🌼stay tuned for more life is never fair🌼

•••°Word Count: 664°•••

📓11:36 PM

STREET LIGHT

Clouds are scarce in the night sky. Light rain pitter patter on princess’s pink umbrella. Her boots strap cling against the leather. Crickets and other insects I rather not imagine sing in the night. Streetlights shine on the roads like dissolve rose gold.

Again my heart flutter. Again it shudders. I wonder if it was I. I wonder if it was something I lack. It was never my fault but because I believed so, I broke. Crumpled. Collapsed. I beat my mind. Shame my heart. But it was never I.

Not alone.

There’s a misunderstanding about my character. He would assume the genuinely conservative feelings I express where all too genuine.

Blind to the unfiltered weakness he sought. It is these feelings that curl when touched with the slightest tone.

They are my flaws. 

What I say is real. What I do is true. It’s that unbelievable notion that will always be my undoing. 

a walk down the alley

🌼 ☀9:18 AM

this morning i walk the back alleys of my small country town. it was said they run through the city parallel to the houses and businesses. a straight line connecting street to street. the perspective,well, awesome. maybe it’s jus me, but i believe during the day, the alleys are there to encourage walking. for one, you can get lost. if you walk forward, you’ll notice the alleys break as would any intersection. so, jus turn around and go the opposite way 😬😏

don’t get me wrong. once they connect to the main road the pathway cuts off. but that’s a mile out before you make the decision to cross or jus go to the next alley. i prefer the latter for a safer walk. if you’re like me and needs to write everything awe inspiring before it fades then you’re probably pecking away at your device while occasionally lookin to see if there are anyone in front or behind you.

the amazing part about this walk was how different and unique each pathway are. small daycare playground, empty of occupants reflect the vibrant colors of play. chatter and laughter from the homes. for the most part it’s quite, which makes seeing and hearing such memorable.

as i am walking with my ear buds in, softly playing Christian music in the background, i occasionally find these unusal but pretty damn amazing and inspiring mementos, which is filtered to replicate the lens of my sunglasses.

 

jus going out and doing what i want knowing my kids are safe made me realize that anything is possible with purpose. and i believe as God’s children, we’re capable of juggling multiple purposes with the right mindset.

👣 I’ve walked a total of 5,555 steps so far today. my goal is 7,000.

🌼believe in the unbelievable
☕

a walk

☕August 3rd | 8:12 pm

as an artist i believe we see the world a tad different from others. when the sun sets it’s jus not an orange and yellow glow. it’s a bursting of bright tones, ranging from the different shades of yellow. orange. red. the sky isn’t jus blue and pink. it’s a collide of colors stretching across the earth. it’s fascinating. walking has it’s benefits. wouldn’t you agree?🤔💭

🌼📓2:15am

July 22nd 2018

for the first time in a long i had a meaningful conversation from someone who cares. others have relied the same awareness about what’s tearing and eroding me from the inside. everyone meant well. but it was this call that opened my eyes to the biggest thought/problem that ails me. i understand Ii have a very long road ahead. the chapter of my pre-adulthood has ended. a new one has begun and i know it’s going to take all my strength physically, emotionally, and mentally to successfully turn the pages. i know i am going to make mistakes. i’m going to break down in to an emotional whirlwind. that’s who i am. it’s what i do when i’m feeling confused or overwhelmed. disheartened or at the pit of a darkened forgotten well.

what do i need to do to take control of this situation?

i need to remind myself that i am imperfect. shit happens. life goes on.  and no matter what is happening i have a choice. no matter how elating or grim they may be, i have a choice. and that choice dictates my emotions.

🌼