Awkward In A Good Way

🛀 Morning lovelies.

🤔 Where to begin…😬

😅Oh yes, it’s been one of those transitions. Awkward in a good way tho 😁🙌

It feels awkward talking about it. I feel like I’m being too prideful and that jus doesn’t fit well with me🙅

Maybe that’s how I’m feeling because its past my bedtime😴 Possible.

Let’s start off with a simple life is never simple. And sometimes, jus sometimes, I wish I can climb somebody’s attic (because I don’t have one) and hide up there for a bit.

M E N T A L 🌻 I L L N E S S

I’ve written about my lonely judgemental friend depression. I’ve gone into grand detail about her emotional attacks to my mentality. How she dampens my creativity. Constricts my social interactions. She’s a pretty mean 🤬 in a suicidal way.

Every month she gets a visit from aunt flow🥀. Now that flower power menstrual only encourages her to do her worse😠😈

However, someone else moved in. Her name is bipolar…

😣 This is actually a very sensitive subject for me. I can’t believe, I typed the words and posted it 😮😔 it’s one thing to think about something heavy on your and another when you complete the actions to share it online.

I keep finding myself trying to be happy and upbeat to write this post, but that’s not how I feel anymore.

Wow 😔 seriously. Jus wow. It has been a constant high and low for the past few days, maybe a week. If I’m being completely honest with myself that’s why I’m not going to church this morning. My emotions are 🐵🐒🐵🐒🐵🐒🐵🐒 chasing 🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌

This isn’t the first time, I’ve felt this way. In August 2016 right before I nearly lost my life to asthma. That was my detailed education about mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent. Events leading to that (I literally jus now understood) traumatic experience.

🤔💭🕞🕝🕢🕤

Putting everything on the line for the man I ❤️💘. Yup, that was it. I’m so glad, I decided to blog this morning 🙌👏

R E L A T I O N S H I P 💟 S T A T U S

Yes, I said it. Men. My partner. My companion. My ❤️ is my greatest weakness and strength. It’s definitely one of those “it’s complicated” situations. I trust my boyfriend…

🗣️Quick sidenote: we came up with these cute nicknames 🤭🤭 so throughout the blog I shall address him as king 🤭❤️🤗 👌

I trust him with my soul. But the situation we’re in haunts the fuck out of me😫😭👻. It’s not him. It’s not his fault the traumatic 💩 I went through left me paranoid asf 🙊😔😖

😓 So, my emotions are wired. Everyone is telling me to keep myself occupied. Stay proactive. Be productive☝️ Think positive 😊

R E F L E C T I O N ☕

▪️I’m growing closer spiritually each day 🕊️ That’s one factor I lacked back then. My faith wasn’t strong enough. Jesus saved me this year and God has shown me mercy and Grace 🙏 The path I 👣 is an🏞️🗻⛰️🌄 I’m nowhere close to where He wants me to be. I’m reading His words each night. More than I have in my entire life, actually. I find comfort in His all-knowing 😌

▪️📚📙 The end of the current course is March 3rd. 🤔 I enjoyed this class. It allowed us to venture the careers in the visual arts industry through disciplines. 😊😙😎 I researched animation and graphic design 🎨🖥️. Studying anime was 😌🍃 and brought back glorious memories. So much I’m really debating on getting back in to 🤓🤯. There’s only one problem…

I am addicted to anime. Once I start, I can’t stop 😬. I haven’t watched it 😭 in two years 💔. When I think about watching jus one shounen series, I remember them days 🖥️😌🤓🌾…

12 hours 🕒⏳… 🖥️🤪🤓😵

Eventually, I’d go to sleep then wake up with a ton of creative ideas🌈🌀⛈️🙌 😉😁. All noteworthy. Not all story worthy 🤷

▪️😒My last relationship lasted for six years. It was an emotional hell-o-coaster 👋😠😤💢 It led me down a dark slump☔. One of the things he did often was hate on my inspiration. I didn’t understand why🤔 and I genuinely tried to.

💢 😑I told him one day, “Why are you so negative? You’re like a giant negative cloud.”

He never gave a plausible deniability btw. Always said something along the lines of having my hopes 😐 “too high” and “letting me know how reality works” 😒 It’s always when you’re completely over them when you see them for 🐴 they are.

👑 King supports 💯😌 It’s actually a lil weird 😂 In a good way. He sends me lil cute 😍❤️🤗 texts and messages, which I’m 🍭🤤😋. We’re coming up on our six month anniversary🎊

▪️My 🗓️📑📖 for the next few weeks is jammed. I’ve never been, busy, busy… Before. Me👈 And I mean, not jus with family and a 9-5, I’m 📕 with design work ebon affects 🌼

😃😁👍 yaaaaaaaas 🙌 I would like to thank…😆 But yes 🙏🙌

Opportunities. I’m truly blessed and it inspires me to keep going. Looking at all the 🗓️📑 and figuring all the 🧠💪 I’m going to need to succeed is 🤯. King is really good at bringing me back from the 🕳️

Definitely going to need to keep eating more 🥗🍏🍊🍅 than 🍩🍫. And stick to my 💪🚶‍♀️🏋️ and 🛐

Writing has really helped💚

A Lil This… A Lil That

One of my many downfalls is breaking consistency. I’ll stop 👩‍💻, ✍️, 📖. Stop 💪🚶‍♀️and eating 🍎🥗🍊🥦. I’ll completely take advantage of the fact I’m on mine 💩😎 . Slowly slipping off the 🏇. This go round’ 🤔💭 I’m following through on all impulse and running with it.

🎉🙌 Productivity 🙌🎊

A few things…📋☑️

• I’m on the ball with ebon affects my freelance iconic imprint. At first, it was established for my digital services but then 🤔💭 long and hard about what it represents and what it could represent… 😮Eureka! Why not include all my professional endeavors💁 which include 📚novels, 📖short stories📰news articles, 📸 and hopefully one-day photography and 📈📊💻 social media marketing. A whole potluck of services that with consistency I can be great in. Don’t be a stranger check out ebon affects Facebook page, Twitter and Instagram account and if you like what you see follow!! Also, visit ebonaffects.com. It’s my official website and portfolio. It’s still in the WIP stage. I have some many wonderful ideas 🤓

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• 🏫I’m is not sure if I told ya but I 🎓 with a certificate in media communications. Yay, 🎉😊😁🙌 From the same university I was granted another all paid opportunity. This time to finish my associates in creative writing. Riveting yes I know.

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Lastly, I wanted to say that I had several mental moments where I thought for a while I was going to stay in a dark hole. It was quite uncomfortable and cold. I was angry all the time. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Irritated. Confused. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn’t I control myself? Why is this happening to me?!! Why is everyone looking at me like I’m crazy?!! Am I?!!! Damn it please, Lord, please someone tell me please give me answers!!….

Well, sweet honey-drop. You are bipolar.

🌻To be continued lovelies

Presenting📢

#FamilyTime

A weekend with princess 👑 Bubba spent this weekend with his best friend (🤓😁 thank goodness. Love that prince but the atomic tantrums he throws when he loses at Fornite or Roblox is 😫😖😤😒😑😑😑😒🙄😑).

I haven’t wrote a blog post in some time now. Though, the 💭💭 occurred often you’d think I’d sit my ass down and actually type the darn thing 🤔🤔 why haven’t I⁉️

Good 🧐

There’s only one reason; and it’s applied to the many other fails in my life that’s transpired in a short time… There’s 🐒🐒🐒🐵🐵🐒🐒🐒 on my back. The amount of monkey emojis is not for exaggerated emphasis. I have a serious team of procrastinating monkeys leading me down a sloppy hill of binge eating, goofing off, and feeling sorry for myself.

I’m way too😳😳😳 to go into great detail at this moment, but know I’ve gained over 10lbs in about a week’s time🐖🐷🐮🐄 Which includes actively🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🏋️ my diet outweighs the amount of calories I burn🔥🔥😤😔 Yea. That’s a post for another date.

So, I’m chunky and know it and trying to find a healthy way to lose and maintain the loss without falling prey to life’s mayhem 😩😩 Crawling from a depression slump is like climbing out of a deep well. The light grows with each ascend. But the rocks are slick and slippery and some of them are too wedge in its place to climb up. A touch-type of memorization puzzle 😕🧠🤔💭 Kind of like the movie, Jigsaw.

I’m not out the 🕳️ yet. I found a stable path. I’m preparing for a consistent comeback. It involves 💲 a 🚲next week and 🚴‍♀️around 🏙️🌇 eating 🍏🍎🥗🥙 and 🏋️💪 at least three times a week. I’m not going😅❄️🦃 I’m slowly coming off the 🍬🍭🍫 substituting with 🥗🍉 and drinking 🚰 before a 🥞🍳,🍱, and 🍲.

However… This weekend I made it a girl’s weekend. It’s rare I have one child without the other. When the opportunity rises for a lil 1️⃣on1️⃣ I’m hands on.

👸 and I have a serious addiction 😂 #FunnyNotFunny 😅 Explains some of the weight gain😂😅 I can laugh about it because I recognize my weakness and taking steps to reconcile the unhealthy behavior. No way I’m saying, I won’t fall prey. Jus saying, I know the problem🤷

Besides the incredible diet, we role played Five Nights of Freddy’s with her adorable tiny toys 😍😍😍♥️ her creativity but not a two-hour fan of pretending to be three characters. The difference between 📝 and 🎬 The delete button.

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  dark SnapChat filter applied

LOST FURY

🎋today…

December 15th | 14:52

It’s a day after my release from a mental health hospital. i admittingly was forced to go because of my poor choice of words I used with the ER counselor on the 11^th. I admit. I was depressed with no visible salvation but homeliness and despair. Its been a tiring month, honestly. I assume things would be rainbows and glitter once I moved. How wrong was I. The job I enjoyed and was blessed to have slipped from my fingers loosely like butter. Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to and around me until I melted in my own mental illness. Truth be told, I allow it to take over me. I ran out of options to move forward so I figured what the hell, mind as well. It cost me three days away from children, which isn’t my first rodeo but is the first that I shed no tears.

Something happened in the mental health hospital that I can’t figure out right now. I know it has something to do with my emotional impact homeliness and around me. It feels as if the soft part of me, the only soft rainbows and, hardened. Now, I am afraid of nothing. I fear nothing but my own to have moved forward. O, the guy I inadvertently fell in love also will my own lack of compromise. I’m sure one day I will soften but I don’t know when. of options, my heart is heavy with love and that love keeps me from doing what I three do for myself and children. Well, it did. Not anymore. I honestly grew that I the feelings of others. You don’t like the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I do the things that I do then fuck off.

Yes, that’s where I am now in life. Emotional wise. I haven’t given up love or feelings jus that it will take a lot or certain buttons need to be press beforeI come to a conscious of caring. I used to think about theirs. How would they feel if I did what I did? Well, not anymore. I did my last Godly deed from the kindnessof my heart when I gave O 150$ so he can get out of prison and spend time withhis family for Christmas. It’s a lil sad but I do not care if he lied to me formonths about our relationship. If he decided to walk away from me then it ishis choice and I hope and pray he doesn’t look back because I will not be thereto take him back. In truth I am exhausted. Perpetually annoyed over the lack ofappreciation I received from those who claim to love me. Beside my parents, mysister, my brother, my best friend and children there’s no one who shares theamount of love that I have for them. So, in truth, I guess, I’m over helping others.I’m unfeeling and worn. Exhausted of these false love and fake relationships. Screwthem all to hell. I deserve better. My whole life I’ve tried to do good byothers. I’m done trying.

A family member was arrested on the 7^th and had the audacity to use my name so she couldn’t face jail time. She has made a grave mistake that she will soon understand. There is so much one can take and I have had my limit. I’m not changing nor bending for anyone at least not truthfully. This “good girl” persona that everyone seems to label me is, well, exactly what I need to show whoever cross me jus have devious and diabolical I can be. I know two wrongs doesn’t make a right. That is not good to seek vengeance on those who does harm to me but I don’t care. Not anymore. One thing most are forgetting that I do not jus improve my intellectual being to further my career as a writer and graphic designer.

I shall kill everyone that oppose and threatened my pack with the utmost kindness and a smile they will never forget.

🌻 ‘ello 🌻

good ☀ LINF family

a lot has happened within my absence. i’ve experienced a lot of professional and emotional firsts that i admit, i’m having difficulty adjusting to.  i’ve learned to accept what i cannot change, and challenges what i can. it was during this experience lie the most hardships. it took me quite a minute to realize and understand the reality that is my life. like most i want a good life. a great life and yet like others i refused to accept my current situations. i battled with what i want vs what i need. wanting is great, but without taking care of my needs first, i was lost. i started at the end of my story. lost and confused on where to go from there. stepping back shared a new perspective. new goals. new ideas. new routines that guaranteed accomplishments in the long haul. patience, determination and faith are keys to reaching that fulfillment. and that is where i am today. at the beginning of my story. reevaluating. 

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literature update

• i received my second assignment for the local magazine, which is due October 5th.  my topic is holiday traditions. although, i did well with the first assignment, my ability as a journalist are fairly fresh and somewhat overwhelming. 

… to cope, i started quite early:
researching the selected businesses and topic.
planning and scheduling interview dates. noting well.   

• i always believed that my writing abilities were great for fantasy stories. however, lately the motivation i once cultivated is no longer mustering as it once had years prior. 

so, i downloaded stories that enticed me mentally.
then i picked up a journal and started writing with no goal or story in mind. surprisingly, i love this method. i noticed that i enjoyed dark psychological short stories. to keep engage i found short story contests that i plan to enter. to name a few contests online: Short Story Competition 2018 | My Best Story ✍ Writing Contests | Tethered by Letters ✍ 

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visual update

original | cropped | no filters

the enjoyment of taking nature photographs is not only rewarding but tranquil. yet, i want more. i want to show my envision of the world of me. the vast and vividness of natures own colorful aspect. in heart i feel i am a photographer, armature, but photographer nonetheless. like the other struggles i’ve encountered, i’m not satisfied of my work.

Photoshop | cropped

i recently started investing more time in learning the different techniques one can apply to bring a scene memorable to a greater sight. all in which i’ve applied in Photoshop. doing so, i learned more about the program and my abilities as an artists. ive only completed one touch up. there are a good list of others scheduled for a makeover.

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• there has been a lot of thinking put into the new set of memes design and reaching out to a greater a audience. though Instagram is visual, i lack the skills to really connect and improve my online presence. i’ve thought of many ways to go about it, but none seems to advertise my skills properly to the public.

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🌼do not #pray for an easy #life, pray for the #strength to #endure a difficult one 🌼 Bruce Lee #quotestoliveby . . #follow 👉 @ebonaffects👍 for more  #visualart #inspiration👑 . . #photography #nature #naturephotography #naturalbeauty #nofilter 🌼 #original #ebonaffects #photograph 👑 . #believe in the #unbelievable #lifequotes #quotesoftheday #quotesofinstagram . . 👣💎#royal #family 🌼 . 🙏 #bibleverse #bible 👑

A post shared by 🌼••°••K S••°••🌼 (@ebon_stateofmind) on Aug 26, 2018 at 4:23pm PDT

🤔so, the question of the week is: what design examples can i create to showcase my knowledge and abilities? i’ve narrowed my lists of possibilities to inventing a made up business and then design advertising documents to go with said business. on the list, i have: a flower shop, a restaurant, and a community project. these are a few ideas. friends, if you have any suggestions please leave a comment below!  all suggestions are welcomed!

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how are you?

🌼success is no accident. it is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do -Pele

afternoon my royal friends. jus wanted to stop by and say hey. i hope your week is going well.

over these past few weeks, i’ve been thinking of ways to stay engage and consistent with all my social media; personal and professional.

the truth is with this new job as a freelance journalist and graphics designer, and working from home as a customer service agent (again. need to keep the babies fed) i noticed that there aren’t as many hours in the day. basically, i’m still adjusting to these new changes.

speaking of journalism, i received my first assignment last week. i was enthralled and nervous, interviewing the local business owners. i turned my assignment in on the 10th. now, i’m jus waiting on a reply from the boss. nail biting, i know. honestly, i used to think customer service wasn’t me. however ten years of service did me well on the field.

🤔… Samara. journalist🤗

other wonderful news… i am an official author🙌 one of my short stories was chosen to be published in Z Publishing Housing Emerging Oklahoma Writers Anthology. yup. took me over three years but i finally accomplished it. the chosen story is Karen. the published story is a lot cleaner than the original, gory, piece. my pen name is ks affects. you can check out the publication 👉🏾here 👈🏾 

i have a feeling that this is only the beginning of my career. thank you for supporting me through this journey.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things.

 

my fellow royals

it’s been a minute. life’s gracious winds has blown me to an unfamiliar land.  the worst part is that i cannot plan ahead like i used to. and when i mean ahead, i mean many weeks if possible. the whole daily regimen is exhausting. confusing. lots of anxiety but few depressive episodes, so in truth i cannot really complain. my therapist and i have had a very long discussion about love and the love i lack for myself. i hadn’t thought about it actually. it never occurred to me. officially i have graduated👩🏾‍🎓 with a certificate in media communications. i should be overwhelmed with joy of such accomplishment but i feel nothing. i feel no change what so ever… i am neither happy or excited about my next step. i’m jus apathetic. ready. or at least in the process of preparing myself for my next challenge. my next set of goals.

*sigh* another truth… it’s that visit with my therapist that changed me completely. i thought about the weight of her words. the sullen and worried look on her face when she explained the seriousness of my situation.

you’re such a sentimental woman, Samara. you care so much about others that i believe we have forgotten our own happiness somewhere down the road.

that’s what i told myself and frankly, i’m right.

so, everyday i wake up with one big goal and two small ones that I want to complete by the end of the day. so far so good. i’ve started a new story, which you can check out here 👈🏾 a dark fantasy. sort of horror. it’s still in the baby stages. but the characters are based on me and my family. of course, i am the main lead. when i started brainstorming the characters personality i thought of everyone else with no worries. when it came to the protagonist… block like a stuffed nose. i really didn’t know shit about me other than what’s on the surface. i found that to be sorrowfully disappointing. but the truth is the  no matter how grainy and crude i felt, it  didn’t deter me from the story or my own self discovery.

photography and gardening reminds me that those who have patience and determination they will thrive and improve with each step. i love the results thus far

Client #1 and i are very much still working on her logo. tweaks here and there. adjusting hues. darkening and lightening. replacing and redrawing. such a process and i can’t say i don’t enjoy every bit.

embroidery design for uniforms

official website logo

click here to follow ks

twitter has become my new go to. i’ve gotten quite accustom to the succinct tweets. i’m still learning the works but i am a tweeter. hey! why don’t you follow me and i’ll follow back? i’d love to follow you awesome peeps. i wonder what your tweet feed looks like 🤔💭

ebon affects is the centra of all my projects. it’s easier when i have a reason, so to say.

another big change in my life besides the absent of terrible relationships, i’ve become a lil more stern with the kiddos. they’re growing and their attitudes are too much for a 10 and 5 year old. it’s my fault for spoiling them but hey i have no regrets. jus now i’m repeating myself more and more. teaching them respect and how to behave around their elders, especially me.

👑i am the Queen. i am the Alpha and Omgea🐺

i seriously feel that way. i can’t let them think they’re better than anyone because we are all equals and plus i jus don’t like disrespecting children. it’s jus not right. parents are guardians. we are here to protect, nurture, and provide. not there personal Butler.

👸🏽princess

🤴🏾prince

⚔knight

i also started talking to myself out loud. hey, i havent lost my marbles. when i have a depressing moment i need to talk. to express what’s bothering me. some of the things i say, i want to share with you. so, i recorded myself. yup. jus audio but it’s helping me a lot. i would greatly appreciate if you could listen and let me know if i’m ready to be an audio blogger. it’s about ten minutes. sorry. i… um… it’s my first run so i started to ramble a lil. you can listen to the audio 👉🏾here

a lot has happened as we can see but i believe they are all positive and worth sharing. i’ve been saying this for a while, but I’m going to read your thoughts. stop by your blog. see whatcha ya been up to.

until the next time my royal friends

🖤ks

🌼