A Lil This… A Lil That

One of my many downfalls is breaking consistency. I’ll stop 👩‍💻, ✍️, 📖. Stop 💪🚶‍♀️and eating 🍎🥗🍊🥦. I’ll completely take advantage of the fact I’m on mine 💩😎 . Slowly slipping off the 🏇. This go round’ 🤔💭 I’m following through on all impulse and running with it.

🎉🙌 Productivity 🙌🎊

A few things…📋☑️

  • I’m on the ball with ebon affects my freelance iconic imprint. At first, it was established for my digital services but then 🤔💭 long and hard about what it represents and what it could represent… 😮Eureka! Why not include all my professional endeavors💁 which include 📚novels, 📖short stories📰news articles, 📸 and hopefully one-day photography and 📈📊💻 social media marketing. A whole potluck of services that with consistency I can be great in. Don’t be a stranger check out ebon affects Facebook page, Twitter and Instagram account and if you like what you see follow!! Also, visit ebonaffects.com. It’s my official website and portfolio. It’s still in the WIP stage. I have some many wonderful ideas 🤓
  • 🏫I’m is not sure if I told ya but I 🎓 with a certificate in media communications. Yay, 🎉😊😁🙌 From the same university I was granted another all paid opportunity. This time to finish my associates in creative writing. Riveting yes I know.

Lastly, I wanted to say that I had several mental moments where I thought for a while I was going to stay in a dark hole. It was quite uncomfortable and cold. I was angry all the time. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Irritated. Confused. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn’t I control myself? Why is this happening to me?!! Why is everyone looking at me like I’m crazy?!! Am I?!!! Damn it please, Lord, please someone tell me please give me answers!!….

Well, sweet honey-drop. You are bipolar.

🌻To be continued lovelies

Presenting📢

#FamilyTime

A weekend with princess 👑 Bubba spent this weekend with his best friend (🤓😁 thank goodness. Love that prince but the atomic tantrums he throws when he loses at Fornite or Roblox is 😫😖😤😒😑😑😑😒🙄😑).

I haven’t wrote a blog post in some time now. Though, the 💭💭 occurred often you’d think I’d sit my ass down and actually type the darn thing 🤔🤔 why haven’t I⁉️

Good 🧐

There’s only one reason; and it’s applied to the many other fails in my life that’s transpired in a short time… There’s 🐒🐒🐒🐵🐵🐒🐒🐒 on my back. The amount of monkey emojis is not for exaggerated emphasis. I have a serious team of procrastinating monkeys leading me down a sloppy hill of binge eating, goofing off, and feeling sorry for myself.

I’m way too😳😳😳 to go into great detail at this moment, but know I’ve gained over 10lbs in about a week’s time🐖🐷🐮🐄 Which includes actively🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🏋️ my diet outweighs the amount of calories I burn🔥🔥😤😔 Yea. That’s a post for another date.

So, I’m chunky and know it and trying to find a healthy way to lose and maintain the loss without falling prey to life’s mayhem 😩😩 Crawling from a depression slump is like climbing out of a deep well. The light grows with each ascend. But the rocks are slick and slippery and some of them are too wedge in its place to climb up. A touch-type of memorization puzzle 😕🧠🤔💭 Kind of like the movie, Jigsaw.

I’m not out the 🕳️ yet. I found a stable path. I’m preparing for a consistent comeback. It involves 💲 a 🚲next week and 🚴‍♀️around 🏙️🌇 eating 🍏🍎🥗🥙 and 🏋️💪 at least three times a week. I’m not going😅❄️🦃 I’m slowly coming off the 🍬🍭🍫 substituting with 🥗🍉 and drinking 🚰 before a 🥞🍳,🍱, and 🍲.

However… This weekend I made it a girl’s weekend. It’s rare I have one child without the other. When the opportunity rises for a lil 1️⃣on1️⃣ I’m hands on.

👸 and I have a serious addiction 😂 #FunnyNotFunny 😅 Explains some of the weight gain😂😅 I can laugh about it because I recognize my weakness and taking steps to reconcile the unhealthy behavior. No way I’m saying, I won’t fall prey. Jus saying, I know the problem🤷

Besides the incredible diet, we role played Five Nights of Freddy’s with her adorable tiny toys 😍😍😍♥️ her creativity but not a two-hour fan of pretending to be three characters. The difference between 📝 and 🎬 The delete button.

Merry Christmas

🎄tonight…

December 25th | 20:04

I wish, I could say, I’m blogging tonight on good terms. I am experiencing another one of life lil choices. Before I go into the choice, I would like to provide a lil backstory. October 2011, I met a guy who had potential to be more than what he appeared. I believed and trusted and kept thinking that in due time he will see what loving a family means. A year later we had our precious princess. I ignored the signs that told me otherwise, that this man, who I truly wanted to become more than what he was, was not that man. Yet a snake in the grass. He cheated. He lied. Manipulated. Twisted the one thing he knew he could twist and bend and took advantage of me like a fiddle. A repeated song, that played for 6 years until finally, after nearly losing my life, my family, and myself, I broke free.

Now, though I want nothing to do with this snake, we have a princess together and I couldn’t jus take her father from her, even though he sat for 6 years of her life on the couch, on the bed, smoking marijuana and playing videos games. He had no real contribute to her life other than his mother who he ripped off with lies about how he needed money to do this and that. I put up with that when were together. Thinking that I didn’t have to suffer to that lack of ambiguous and self-resilient life, I bent backwards and forward to co-parent with this man and now his girlfriend/ “wife”.  

Yea, I know. It seems like I’m jus the jealous ex. Slandering the father of her daughter because they’re not together. Please, believe me when I say this: leaving him was the healthiest and righteous thing I could do for me and my children. I have no envious bone towards what they built. But I do have a problem with the environment if I feel like its unhealthy for princess. Again, seems like jealousy. Maybe a lil part of me is jealous that his good for nothin ass found someone else but I’m not surprised and has or ever will plan to homewreck what they have. I sincerely despised the man with an eternal flame that ignited the 1st year of our relationship and has been blazing since. What I dislike about this family that the 8-year-old girl or 10-year-old boy have no respect for their mother and talks quite awful about her mother’s new partner. Though I don’t blame them. He is truly poison.

These children are subjected to a life that is not heavily impacted by education, which bothers me so because education is highly important to me and is the foundation of a better future. Instead these children run with no shoes nor warm clothing in below temperature weather. Honestly, I feel very judgmental, but I believe it’s what I overhear and what I observe that is unnerving. They have no respect for their parents and jus explode with anger when they disagree with their parents and she does nothing to address it. It happens so much that my own princess believed that she too could do that. I attempted to plead with her father and his girlfriend my concerns, but they disregarded it like I spat nonsense. I do not like being disrespected, especially by a child. I’ve tried, and God knows how I tried to co-parent. But truth be told, I’ve been raising my children alone all this time, I don’t want any help. I can’t fathom how they can live with no furniture but have money to splurge on junk and drugs.

I know very well it’s me. I do not want my children around that type of living. They’ve already isolated my son saying that he can’t come over their place yet let their children do what they want. So, tonight I gave in to the hate broiling inside and told her father she would not be over his house or around that family as much. I am restricting her from that environment and him. I know, I’m the bad mom. The bitch. The jealous ex. Whatever. Call me what you feel. But I am done working things out.  I am done trying to get along with people who are not serious about their children future.

She’s going to hate me I know, my princess. But I’m willingly to bite that bullet. Fuck with everyone else has to say. Fuck how everyone else will feel. I truly and for the first time, do not give a fuck. I am exhausted.

For now on, I am that petty bitch. That “baby mama” who does everything in her right to get what she deserves, especially when it comes to my children.

I am now playing the role of the villain.

LOST FURY

🎋today…

December 15th | 14:52

It’s a day after my release from a mental health hospital. i admittingly was forced to go because of my poor choice of words I used with the ER counselor on the 11th. I admit. I was depressed with no visible salvation but homeliness and despair. Its been a tiring month, honestly. I assume things would be rainbows and glitter once I moved. How wrong was I. The job I enjoyed and was blessed to have slipped from my fingers loosely like butter. Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to and around me until I melted in my own mental illness. Truth be told, I allow it to take over me. I ran out of options to move forward so I figured what the hell, mind as well. It cost me three days away from children, which isn’t my first rodeo but is the first that I shed no tears.

Something happened in the mental health hospital that I can’t figure out right now. I know it has something to do with my emotional impact homeliness and around me. It feels as if the soft part of me, the only soft rainbows and, hardened. Now, I am afraid of nothing. I fear nothing but my own to have moved forward. O, the guy I inadvertently fell in love also will my own lack of compromise. I’m sure one day I will soften but I don’t know when. of options, my heart is heavy with love and that love keeps me from doing what I three do for myself and children. Well, it did. Not anymore. I honestly grew that I the feelings of others. You don’t like the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I do the things that I do then fuck off.

Yes, that’s where I am now in life. Emotional wise. I haven’t given up love or feelings jus that it will take a lot or certain buttons need to be press beforeI come to a conscious of caring. I used to think about theirs. How would they feel if I did what I did? Well, not anymore. I did my last Godly deed from the kindnessof my heart when I gave O 150$ so he can get out of prison and spend time withhis family for Christmas. It’s a lil sad but I do not care if he lied to me formonths about our relationship. If he decided to walk away from me then it ishis choice and I hope and pray he doesn’t look back because I will not be thereto take him back. In truth I am exhausted. Perpetually annoyed over the lack ofappreciation I received from those who claim to love me. Beside my parents, mysister, my brother, my best friend and children there’s no one who shares theamount of love that I have for them. So, in truth, I guess, I’m over helping others.I’m unfeeling and worn. Exhausted of these false love and fake relationships. Screwthem all to hell. I deserve better. My whole life I’ve tried to do good byothers. I’m done trying.

A family member was arrested on the 7th and had the audacity to use my name so she couldn’t face jail time. She has made a grave mistake that she will soon understand. There is so much one can take and I have had my limit. I’m not changing nor bending for anyone at least not truthfully. This “good girl” persona that everyone seems to label me is, well, exactly what I need to show whoever cross me jus have devious and diabolical I can be. I know two wrongs doesn’t make a right. That is not good to seek vengeance on those who does harm to me but I don’t care. Not anymore. One thing most are forgetting that I do not jus improve my intellectual being to further my career as a writer and graphic designer.

I shall kill everyone that oppose and threatened my pack with the utmost kindness and a smile they will never forget.

autumn choices

🍂today…

November 25th | 15:18

The wind knocks my screen door hard against the railing, sending a poor Bear alert with each thud. It breaths sharp steel through my body even with a thick jacket. It’s cold. It’s gloomy. Perfect for writing and thinking comfortably in the warmth of my bedroom.

This year I’ve learned so much about myself. not the self I started with. But the self I transformed after experiencing and understanding where and who I am in life. My faith is strong. I know, I need to read His words more. Only then will I have a better of understanding of our King and his mission to bring happiness and mercy upon all his children. I have no excuses for why I am not reading His words. I believe a part of me is terrified to learn the truth of what Father is capable of. I don’t think any child wants to see their parents suffering but doing so jus brings me closer to Him, which I want very much.

I’ve been alone for this past week. The babies have spent most of their time with their dad. I encourage them to. There’s nothing here in our home. There is no gas to keep them and their bellies warm. No proper plumbing to release their waste without strife. It’s difficult holding on, looking forward, but I have managed. However, my children do not understand. Tho they try to so hard comprehend, especially my big man.

It leaves me more time to concentrate on me… everything I’ve done in the past and put aside thinking it’s no longer me has returned in a colorful and welcoming realization. I am an artist of many trades. I am a writer who creates stories from my soul and mind. A designer who hungers to bring the flamboyant rainbow to a perspective that everyone can understand. And a sketch artist who frees her inner demons and godly blessing on to paper to capture the idea before it leaves my mind. They all work together, unified. One always helping the other. It’s beautiful knowing who you are because in truth it really doesn’t matter what others think or say because I am satisfied.

I came to that understanding while soul searching. There’s a lot of people who look for others to pin the blame on. Some unintentionally and other viciously to save their own ass. We all have a choice unless that choice made was forced upon us. The choices we make determine the path we walk. We make our own choices. No one makes them for us. It bothered me when one wants to blame God or Lord Savior Jesus for their predicament or circumstances, forgetting they are not the only beings in our world. Earth is the balance between Heaven and Hell. The choices I make determines where I head. God and Satan do not make us do anything. They simply show a pathway to walk, it is my decisions to follow either lead.

I think this way about life, about people, about everything. It’s not right to cast our opinions forcefully on to others, brainwashing or bribing one to do what the other wants them to do. I think most do not understand that logical way of life. As children and teens and young adults, we tend to follow the leads of others, searching for our own path. It is when we start seeing the difference between right and wrong. Want vs need. Common sense vs illusions that we begin to comprehend who we are.

I am so much more than I thought. I am blessed to gain this sight of realization. One can call me a modern-day hippie hehe because I am at peace with what I’ve become. I love her. I love me. She’s everything I wanted and more and like most, I was blind to see that person looking back at me.

I found you, love.
I found me.

🌼stay tuned for more life is never fair🌼

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happy🤗

life. well, a lot has happened professionally since the last post. words can’t really describe the productivity and awesomeness that has manifested.

Designs by Ebon is officially open! i am now taking in clientele. if you’re interested or know anyone who is looking for a digital artist/ graphic designer, i am your gal. i charge $75 a project. i won’t go into detail here but you can check out ebonaffects.com for more info.

with all the hype how can i top? i know! i have another client! yay! C#2: he’s a local businessman. we met through Instagram. i’m designing the logo he will use to brand his casual line. nice right? this go ‘round you’ll be able to see each step from the beginning sketch to the final announcement.  follow me on Instagram @ebonaffects / or Designs by Ebon on Facebook. most of my designs progress will be posted on social media. so, let’s tread this road to success together.