Birds chirp spring delight. The sun warms my face as cool wind breeze by. As I walk down the sidewalk, numb and callous I can’t help to wonder what went wrong with my life.
I’m here again in a predicament where I’m forced to uproot with a broken heart and confuse. My greatest sin was and still is that I love others more than I love myself. And at the end of every dance. Every song. Every sweet nothing. I’m alone. Words are the most powerful weapon a human can use against another. It can break us. Lift us. Inspire us. Torment us. Words are dangerous. Even a simple-minded fool can twist his tongue and produce a sentence to seduce an enchantress.
I know these things, yet I fall prey to these tactics so often that I question my own identity. I tell my children to watch what they say. Choose their words wisely. That even the words they don’t speak can leave a scar so deep it gashes a person’s innermost so be careful with what they don’t say too.
Then there’s me. Great at giving advice. Not so much at implementing. Guess we all have our downfalls. Mine, again, has done its job and I have fallen into a murky pit of my own despair. Despite, everything that has happened to me. The numbing. The callousing. The fear of giving my heart to another, I’m hopeful.
I’m hopeful that’ll I stop this cycle. That I’ll break free because I’m tired. Jus when I think I’ve found the answers to all my problems, I’m pushed back by the reality of life. The harsh truth of the words from those I love and care deeply for. I love too hard, yes. I care too deep, yes. It is something, I’m learning about myself. I probably would never change and might not want to.
Instead, I need to trust my innermost. When I feel the change. The sudden concerning that something isn’t right, I need to trust those feelings. Because they have been right so far. I jus been ignoring them. Conclusion, March ends. I’m swollen in tears. Overwhelmed with moving, keeping ahead of school so I can graduate with my associates in June, staying a productive and efficient employer and entrepreneur all while striving to be the best single parent I can be.
This shit isn’t easy. But no one said life would be.
Friends and family applaud what great parenting skills I’m supposed to have. I don’t think of it that way at all. Sure. I 📖 to them every night on the weekdays. I’m a hard discipline when it comes to their education, morals, and life cores. I support their ⭐️✨dreams and goals and encourage them to pursue them. I even go as far as to admit my own faults. I use them as examples of what 🚫🙅🏾♀️ to do and express profoundly the necessity of positive energy and friends.
I praise them to be themselves and no matter what never shame them for who they are. Even when society deems them as inappropriate or unethical. Because let’s face it💁🏾♀️ Nowadays, everyone thinks they know everything about everything and everyone. I am one of the few unlucky weird ones who admit, I don’t 🙋🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ And I’m comfortable with that. I want my kids to be comfortable too.
With that said, I’m not perfect. I cuss a lot 🤬 I say things inappropriate that I regret in front of my children that I have to sometimes rephrase or explain in “child lingo” 👦🏿 👑 👧🏿so they don’t get the wrong idea about dear ol’ mom. I’m crude. 🗣I say things like, “school hates parents because they keep letting you guys out” or “a whole week with you nerds is going to drive me insane. I need to find y’all some activities so y’all can get the fuck out of the house so I can have some grown-up fun,” and mean it😗
I don’t agree with the 🏫 I don’t attend activities. Princess is well, a princess. My prince of chaos, you get where I’m going. When he does get in trouble, depending on the circumstances, I don’t discipline him to their standards so I’m told I’m a disappointment by the principal 🤷🏾♀️
👩⚖️In my defense, I’m a firm believer in justice severed. What I mean by that is this is… 👩🏫Here is an example that actually happened a few days ago. Prince of Chaos was supposed to be taking a computer test. Instead, he was caught changing the coding. He was given a verbal warning AND told he was unable to attend the field trip the next day. Furious, he turned around in FRONT of the computer lab teacher and his homeroom teacher and began coding once more👨🏾💻🤦🏾♀️
His teacher called me after school to let me know he had got written up and wasn’t going on the field. I gave him a hard lecture about not doing his work… And getting caught😏😅 Yes, I’m a supporter of his hacks only if he’s not caught 🤔why? Because he has to start from somewhere. If he’s interested in coding at this age, I’m going to support him💯 . However, I have rules:
1️⃣ You can’t get caught
2️⃣ It can’t interfere with your education
No computer. No Fronite. No Roblox. No life for him. After a few hours, okay minutes, I admitted it was hilarious 😂 I laughed. Don’t get me wrong, I was disappointed in my prince. But I guess it surprised even me that he did what he did. So when the principal asked what my reaction was and he simply told her I laughed, of course, she was “disappointed”.
😒 WTFE Bruh💁🏾♀️
So yeah, I’m not the best mother. I totally admit that shit. I own it. My children knows it too. Would I change my behavior, knowing that I know this about myself🤔 No. I ❤️ who I am. I enjoy that I’m erratically 🙃🤪😝 Unpredictable. Intelligent. Unmanageable. I’m one of a kind. My children may not have the best mother but I’m pretty sure I’m not the worst, worst Mother. Oh, Lord I hope I’m not😬
The love of a mother is the veil of a softer light between the heart and the heavenly Father.
🤔Did I mention, I’m 29? Oh, with two children. Oh yeah, and I started my own business (#ebonaffects). Wait let me throw in the freelance journalist and the full-time job I’m blessed with. 😒So yeah, I’m not in the mood for games or men with lil boy mindsets who try to use me as some cash 🐄 ploy. Let me jus say that you cannot and will not get a dime from this woman. Not a penny. Not a cent. Not a dusty nickel. What about king?
To be honest with you, which I’m always am and I care less what the world has to say about my honesty, he fucking ghost me. What do I mean by he 👻👸🏿 👈🏿 Well, he disappeared. Without a trace type of shit. I won’t go into too much deets because I don’t really know myself. But I’m sure you can tell by my tone that I’m irritated, annoyed, and honestly fed the fuck up with all this bullshit. 🙇🏿♀️Come on, kings and queens🤦🏿♀️
🤨How hard is it to send a text or message or call or anything to someone you love that you’re in a depressive funk and you rather be alone for a while 🤷🏿♀️ And this is from someone who is medically diagnosed with bipolar and major depression. Instead, you read all the messages and CHOSE not to reply and EXPECT ME to be okay with it. Then I got this grown ass man with this boy mentality in my inbox on messenger with this bull💩 Talking about, “you not giving me no money.”
😤Um hold up ✋🏿 and fuck you 🖕🏿
You’re in my 📩 Ima need for you to move around with that nonsense because you have pissed off the wrong person. 🤦🏿♀️Wtf is wrong people nowadays? Where are their morals? Men out here are worse than women. Or is it me? I have never done anyone the way these mothea fuckas think they can do me. I’m not perfect. I need Jesus in my life jus like everyone else, but I would NEVER 🙅🏿do what these assholes have done to me. ❌NEVER❌. It’s not right. Seriously! Jus…
😐 G T F O H🤦🏿♀️
We are too grown for this nonsense. I didn’t come to THEM asking for anything. In fact, I wouldn’t have known they existed until they reached out to me. 😑 So go ahead and climb off that 🐎 for me bruh 🤠 When I meet someone, I ask for ✌🏿 simple things: Respect and honesty. The rest we can build on and figure along the way. If you can’t bring them two core values then please back the fuck off. Because I’m two minutes from Sally punching a nigga in the throat if I get crossed again.
Life is full of happiness and tears; be strong and have faith.
😅Oh yes, it’s been one of those transitions. Awkward in a good way tho 😁🙌
It feels awkward talking about it. I feel like I’m being too prideful and that jus doesn’t fit well with me🙅
Maybe that’s how I’m feeling because its past my bedtime😴 Possible.
Let’s start off with a simple life is never simple. And sometimes, jus sometimes, I wish I can climb somebody’s attic (because I don’t have one) and hide up there for a bit.
M E N T A L 🌻 I L L N E S S
I’ve written about my lonely judgemental friend depression. I’ve gone into grand detail about her emotional attacks to my mentality. How she dampens my creativity. Constricts my social interactions. She’s a pretty mean 🤬 in a suicidal way.
Every month she gets a visit from aunt flow🥀. Now that flower power menstrual only encourages her to do her worse😠😈
However, someone else moved in. Her name is bipolar…
😣 This is actually a very sensitive subject for me. I can’t believe, I typed the words and posted it 😮😔 it’s one thing to think about something heavy on your and another when you complete the actions to share it online.
I keep finding myself trying to be happy and upbeat to write this post, but that’s not how I feel anymore.
Wow 😔 seriously. Jus wow. It has been a constant high and low for the past few days, maybe a week. If I’m being completely honest with myself that’s why I’m not going to church this morning. My emotions are 🐵🐒🐵🐒🐵🐒🐵🐒 chasing 🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌
This isn’t the first time, I’ve felt this way. In August 2016 right before I nearly lost my life to asthma. That was my detailed education about mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent. Events leading to that (I literally jus now understood) traumatic experience.
Putting everything on the line for the man I ❤️💘. Yup, that was it. I’m so glad, I decided to blog this morning 🙌👏
R E L A T I O N S H I P 💟 S T A T U S
Yes, I said it. Men. My partner. My companion. My ❤️ is my greatest weakness and strength. It’s definitely one of those “it’s complicated” situations. I trust my boyfriend…
🗣️Quick sidenote: we came up with these cute nicknames 🤭🤭 so throughout the blog I shall address him as king 🤭❤️🤗 👌
I trust him with my soul. But the situation we’re in haunts the fuck out of me😫😭👻. It’s not him. It’s not his fault the traumatic 💩 I went through left me paranoid asf 🙊😔😖
😓 So, my emotions are wired. Everyone is telling me to keep myself occupied. Stay proactive. Be productive☝️ Think positive 😊
R E F L E C T I O N ☕
▪️I’m growing closer spiritually each day 🕊️ That’s one factor I lacked back then. My faith wasn’t strong enough. Jesus saved me this year and God has shown me mercy and Grace 🙏 The path I 👣 is an🏞️🗻⛰️🌄 I’m nowhere close to where He wants me to be. I’m reading His words each night. More than I have in my entire life, actually. I find comfort in His all-knowing 😌
▪️📚📙 The end of the current course is March 3rd. 🤔 I enjoyed this class. It allowed us to venture the careers in the visual arts industry through disciplines. 😊😙😎 I researched animation and graphic design 🎨🖥️. Studying anime was 😌🍃 and brought back glorious memories. So much I’m really debating on getting back in to 🤓🤯. There’s only one problem…
I am addicted to anime. Once I start, I can’t stop 😬. I haven’t watched it 😭 in two years 💔. When I think about watching jus one shounen series, I remember them days 🖥️😌🤓🌾…
12 hours 🕒⏳… 🖥️🤪🤓😵
Eventually, I’d go to sleep then wake up with a ton of creative ideas🌈🌀⛈️🙌 😉😁. All noteworthy. Not all story worthy 🤷
▪️😒My last relationship lasted for six years. It was an emotional hell-o-coaster 👋😠😤💢 It led me down a dark slump☔. One of the things he did often was hate on my inspiration. I didn’t understand why🤔 and I genuinely tried to.
💢 😑I told him one day, “Why are you so negative? You’re like a giant negative cloud.”
He never gave a plausible deniability btw. Always said something along the lines of having my hopes 😐 “too high” and “letting me know how reality works” 😒 It’s always when you’re completely over them when you see them for 🐴 they are.
👑 King supports 💯😌 It’s actually a lil weird 😂 In a good way. He sends me lil cute 😍❤️🤗 texts and messages, which I’m 🍭🤤😋. We’re coming up on our six month anniversary🎊
▪️My 🗓️📑📖 for the next few weeks is jammed. I’ve never been, busy, busy… Before. Me👈 And I mean, not jus with family and a 9-5, I’m 📕 with design work ebon affects 🌼
😃😁👍 yaaaaaaaas 🙌 I would like to thank…😆 But yes 🙏🙌
Opportunities. I’m truly blessed and it inspires me to keep going. Looking at all the 🗓️📑 and figuring all the 🧠💪 I’m going to need to succeed is 🤯. King is really good at bringing me back from the 🕳️
Definitely going to need to keep eating more 🥗🍏🍊🍅 than 🍩🍫. And stick to my 💪🚶♀️🏋️ and 🛐
One of my many downfalls is breaking consistency. I’ll stop 👩💻, ✍️, 📖. Stop 💪🚶♀️and eating 🍎🥗🍊🥦. I’ll completely take advantage of the fact I’m on mine 💩😎 . Slowly slipping off the 🏇. This go round’ 🤔💭 I’m following through on all impulse and running with it.
🎉🙌 Productivity 🙌🎊
A few things…📋☑️
I’m on the ball with ebon affects my freelance iconic imprint. At first, it was established for my digital services but then 🤔💭 long and hard about what it represents and what it could represent… 😮Eureka! Why not include all my professional endeavors💁 which include 📚novels, 📖short stories📰news articles, 📸 and hopefully one-day photography and 📈📊💻 social media marketing. A whole potluck of services that with consistency I can be great in. Don’t be a stranger check out ebon affects Facebook page, Twitter and Instagram account and if you like what you see follow!! Also, visit ebonaffects.com. It’s my official website and portfolio. It’s still in the WIP stage. I have some many wonderful ideas 🤓
🏫I’m is not sure if I told ya but I 🎓 with a certificate in media communications. Yay, 🎉😊😁🙌 From the same university I was granted another all paid opportunity. This time to finish my associates in creative writing. Riveting yes I know.
Lastly, I wanted to say that I had several mental moments where I thought for a while I was going to stay in a dark hole. It was quite uncomfortable and cold. I was angry all the time. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Irritated. Confused. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn’t I control myself? Why is this happening to me?!! Why is everyone looking at me like I’m crazy?!! Am I?!!! Damn it please, Lord, please someone tell me please give me answers!!….
A weekend with princess 👑 Bubba spent this weekend with his best friend (🤓😁 thank goodness. Love that prince but the atomic tantrums he throws when he loses at Fornite or Roblox is 😫😖😤😒😑😑😑😒🙄😑).
I haven’t wrote a blog post in some time now. Though, the 💭💭 occurred often you’d think I’d sit my ass down and actually type the darn thing 🤔🤔 why haven’t I⁉️
There’s only one reason; and it’s applied to the many other fails in my life that’s transpired in a short time… There’s 🐒🐒🐒🐵🐵🐒🐒🐒 on my back. The amount of monkey emojis is not for exaggerated emphasis. I have a serious team of procrastinating monkeys leading me down a sloppy hill of binge eating, goofing off, and feeling sorry for myself.
I’m way too😳😳😳 to go into great detail at this moment, but know I’ve gained over 10lbs in about a week’s time🐖🐷🐮🐄 Which includes actively🚶♀️🚶♀️🏋️ my diet outweighs the amount of calories I burn🔥🔥😤😔 Yea. That’s a post for another date.
So, I’m chunky and know it and trying to find a healthy way to lose and maintain the loss without falling prey to life’s mayhem 😩😩 Crawling from a depression slump is like climbing out of a deep well. The light grows with each ascend. But the rocks are slick and slippery and some of them are too wedge in its place to climb up. A touch-type of memorization puzzle 😕🧠🤔💭 Kind of like the movie, Jigsaw.
I’m not out the 🕳️ yet. I found a stable path. I’m preparing for a consistent comeback. It involves 💲 a 🚲next week and 🚴♀️around 🏙️🌇 eating 🍏🍎🥗🥙 and 🏋️💪 at least three times a week. I’m not going😅❄️🦃 I’m slowly coming off the 🍬🍭🍫 substituting with 🥗🍉 and drinking 🚰 before a 🥞🍳,🍱, and 🍲.
However… This weekend I made it a girl’s weekend. It’s rare I have one child without the other. When the opportunity rises for a lil 1️⃣on1️⃣ I’m hands on.
👸 and I have a serious addiction 😂 #FunnyNotFunny 😅 Explains some of the weight gain😂😅 I can laugh about it because I recognize my weakness and taking steps to reconcile the unhealthy behavior. No way I’m saying, I won’t fall prey. Jus saying, I know the problem🤷
Besides the incredible diet, we role played Five Nights of Freddy’s with her adorable tiny toys 😍😍😍♥️ her creativity but not a two-hour fan of pretending to be three characters. The difference between 📝 and 🎬 The delete button.