I’m jus a lil awkward than most😅

Would you believe me if I said something along the lines a city can be jus as tainted as it’s people. Or maybe it’s jus the reflection of it’s occupant? Idk. What I do know is that being home is as bittersweet as a reunion at a loved one’s memorial.

It’s great to be around friends and family. But since coming back home, I’ve noticed a drastic difference between me and my kids and everyone else around us. We get side eyed like we’re foreign. It’s cool. We enjoy our originality.  Uniqueness.

But have you ever felt different that it was obvious not only to those around you, but yourself too?

I’m finding it difficult to find someone to relate too. So far, I’ve hung with several groups with unique background and lifestyles. I get the same befuddle expression once I start talking, sharing. I’m not complaining. I’m not saying that there’s something wrong with me or them.

Nah.

It’s jus not me. I’ve grown, confirmed my identity.

I haven’t found my clique, per say. My pack at the moment consists of my children and a few friends. I jus want that one person to relate to on an intellectual level that’s not all seriousness and filed with R&B and sex music. Idky that’s a huge thing here but it is. Part of my culture that I never really liked. I like some R&B, but I’m more into music like Marshmallow, Skrillex, Diplo, Hasley, 30 Seconds to Mars, Linkin Park, etc. Techno and alternative.

It’s okay, IDAGF most times nowadays. I’m enjoying my solitude and down time.

I’m a lil meaner. A lil numb. Experience paved me stoned these last few losses. If I had to describe my mood, you could say I’m sort of a Harley Quinn. I consider myself intelligent and many people would agree. My heart is warm, big and left open in the palm of my hands. Don’t get too close though, because now there’s traps enclosed behind my smile. I laugh away the pain, the suffering, the hurt. When I’m not focus on my children, my games, my work, I’m wandering in thought and to those looking outside in I’m, “Are you okay?”

… I smile. Laugh more. I’m going through changes and to others they perceive me as this young, dazed, drugged woman (actually heard a few gossip). To them, I probably don’t have my shit together and idc. When it’s quite the opposite. I’ve been through so much, my mind and body found a way to process everything that jus seems off to everyone else. So, I seem crazed. Doesn’t help that I dress and act outside the normalcy of my generation, either. Oh, well.

Life is a learning experience.

I’m a perspective woman. When I focus, I focus. I hear what’s around me even tho it seems like I’m not paying attention. I’ve been in two situations where I came to that realization. I’m a lil different from everyone around me, which is okay. No big deal. Good to know is all👌🏾.

It explains a lot. I tend to give off this, “she doesn’t have it all up there” impression. This is where my newfound/not really jus the ol’ me attitude come into play. In the past, I would fall into a slump. Become depressed by the weight of glares and disappointment. Ig now, I’m over it all.

So, what I’m a lil awkward. You feelin uncomfortable, bruh? My bad, move around then. I’m not changing. Not anymore. It’s because of those changes why I’m a lil #HarleyQuinn now.

#iam original 

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