Awkward In A Good Way

๐Ÿ›€ Morning lovelies.

๐Ÿค” Where to begin…๐Ÿ˜ฌ

๐Ÿ˜…Oh yes, it’s been one of those transitions. Awkward in a good way tho ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™Œ

It feels awkward talking about it. I feel like I’m being too prideful and that jus doesn’t fit well with me๐Ÿ™…

Maybe that’s how I’m feeling because its past my bedtime๐Ÿ˜ด Possible.

Let’s start off with a simple life is never simple. And sometimes, jus sometimes, I wish I can climb somebody’s attic (because I don’t have one) and hide up there for a bit.

M E N T A L ๐ŸŒป I L L N E S S

I’ve written about my lonely judgemental friend depression. I’ve gone into grand detail about her emotional attacks to my mentality. How she dampens my creativity. Constricts my social interactions. She’s a pretty mean ๐Ÿคฌ in a suicidal way.

Every month she gets a visit from aunt flow๐Ÿฅ€. Now that flower power menstrual only encourages her to do her worse๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

However, someone else moved in. Her name is bipolar…

๐Ÿ˜ฃ This is actually a very sensitive subject for me. I can’t believe, I typed the words and posted it ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜” it’s one thing to think about something heavy on your and another when you complete the actions to share it online.

I keep finding myself trying to be happy and upbeat to write this post, but that’s not how I feel anymore.

Wow ๐Ÿ˜” seriously. Jus wow. It has been a constant high and low for the past few days, maybe a week. If I’m being completely honest with myself that’s why I’m not going to church this morning. My emotions are ๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’๐Ÿต๐Ÿ’ chasing ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒ

This isn’t the first time, I’ve felt this way. In August 2016 right before I nearly lost my life to asthma. That was my detailed education about mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent. Events leading to that (I literally jus now understood) traumatic experience.

๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ’ญ๐Ÿ•ž๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ•ข๐Ÿ•ค

Putting everything on the line for the man I โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’˜. Yup, that was it. I’m so glad, I decided to blog this morning ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿ‘

R E L A T I O N S H I P ๐Ÿ’Ÿ S T A T U S

Yes, I said it. Men. My partner. My companion. My โค๏ธ is my greatest weakness and strength. It’s definitely one of those “it’s complicated” situations. I trust my boyfriend…

๐Ÿ—ฃ๏ธQuick sidenote: we came up with these cute nicknames ๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿคญ so throughout the blog I shall address him as king ๐Ÿคญโค๏ธ๐Ÿค— ๐Ÿ‘Œ

I trust him with my soul. But the situation we’re in haunts the fuck out of me๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ‘ป. It’s not him. It’s not his fault the traumatic ๐Ÿ’ฉ I went through left me paranoid asf ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿ˜–

๐Ÿ˜“ So, my emotions are wired. Everyone is telling me to keep myself occupied. Stay proactive. Be productiveโ˜๏ธ Think positive ๐Ÿ˜Š

R E F L E C T I O N โ˜•

โ–ช๏ธI’m growing closer spiritually each day ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ That’s one factor I lacked back then. My faith wasn’t strong enough. Jesus saved me this year and God has shown me mercy and Grace ๐Ÿ™ The path I ๐Ÿ‘ฃ is an๐Ÿž๏ธ๐Ÿ—ปโ›ฐ๏ธ๐ŸŒ„ I’m nowhere close to where He wants me to be. I’m reading His words each night. More than I have in my entire life, actually. I find comfort in His all-knowing ๐Ÿ˜Œ

โ–ช๏ธ๐Ÿ“š๐Ÿ“™ The end of the current course is March 3rd. ๐Ÿค” I enjoyed this class. It allowed us to venture the careers in the visual arts industry through disciplines. ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜™๐Ÿ˜Ž I researched animation and graphic design ๐ŸŽจ๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ. Studying anime was ๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿƒ and brought back glorious memories. So much I’m really debating on getting back in to ๐Ÿค“๐Ÿคฏ. There’s only one problem…

I am addicted to anime. Once I start, I can’t stop ๐Ÿ˜ฌ. I haven’t watched it ๐Ÿ˜ญ in two years ๐Ÿ’”. When I think about watching jus one shounen series, I remember them days ๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿค“๐ŸŒพ…

12 hours ๐Ÿ•’โณ… ๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ๐Ÿคช๐Ÿค“๐Ÿ˜ต

Eventually, I’d go to sleep then wake up with a ton of creative ideas๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒ€โ›ˆ๏ธ๐Ÿ™Œ ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜. All noteworthy. Not all story worthy ๐Ÿคท

โ–ช๏ธ๐Ÿ˜’My last relationship lasted for six years. It was an emotional hell-o-coaster ๐Ÿ‘‹๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ’ข It led me down a dark slumpโ˜”. One of the things he did often was hate on my inspiration. I didn’t understand why๐Ÿค” and I genuinely tried to.

๐Ÿ’ข ๐Ÿ˜‘I told him one day, “Why are you so negative? You’re like a giant negative cloud.”

He never gave a plausible deniability btw. Always said something along the lines of having my hopes ๐Ÿ˜ “too high” and “letting me know how reality works” ๐Ÿ˜’ It’s always when you’re completely over them when you see them for ๐Ÿด they are.

๐Ÿ‘‘ King supports ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ˜Œ It’s actually a lil weird ๐Ÿ˜‚ In a good way. He sends me lil cute ๐Ÿ˜โค๏ธ๐Ÿค— texts and messages, which I’m ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿคค๐Ÿ˜‹. We’re coming up on our six month anniversary๐ŸŽŠ

โ–ช๏ธMy ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ๐Ÿ“‘๐Ÿ“– for the next few weeks is jammed. I’ve never been, busy, busy… Before. Me๐Ÿ‘ˆ And I mean, not jus with family and a 9-5, I’m ๐Ÿ“• with design work ebon affects ๐ŸŒผ

๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘ yaaaaaaaas ๐Ÿ™Œ I would like to thank…๐Ÿ˜† But yes ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™Œ

Opportunities. I’m truly blessed and it inspires me to keep going. Looking at all the ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ๐Ÿ“‘ and figuring all the ๐Ÿง ๐Ÿ’ช I’m going to need to succeed is ๐Ÿคฏ. King is really good at bringing me back from the ๐Ÿ•ณ๏ธ

Definitely going to need to keep eating more ๐Ÿฅ—๐Ÿ๐ŸŠ๐Ÿ… than ๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿซ. And stick to my ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿšถโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‹๏ธ and ๐Ÿ›

Writing has really helped๐Ÿ’š

๐Ÿ’‹Happy Valentine’s Day

๐Ÿ’Have a sweet & wonderful day with your sweetheart & family loves๐Ÿ˜˜

๐Ÿ˜Šโคโคโคโคโคโคโคโค๐Ÿ˜Š

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.

๐Ÿ’•George Sand

A Lil This… A Lil That

One of my many downfalls is breaking consistency. I’ll stop ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ’ป, โœ๏ธ, ๐Ÿ“–. Stop ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿšถโ€โ™€๏ธand eating ๐ŸŽ๐Ÿฅ—๐ŸŠ๐Ÿฅฆ. I’ll completely take advantage of the fact I’m on mine ๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ˜Ž . Slowly slipping off the ๐Ÿ‡. This go round’ ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ’ญ I’m following through on all impulse and running with it.

๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ™Œ Productivity ๐Ÿ™Œ๐ŸŽŠ

A few things…๐Ÿ“‹โ˜‘๏ธ

  • I’m on the ball with ebon affects my freelance iconic imprint. At first, it was established for my digital services but then ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ’ญ long and hard about what it represents and what it could represent… ๐Ÿ˜ฎEureka! Why not include all my professional endeavors๐Ÿ’ which include ๐Ÿ“šnovels, ๐Ÿ“–short stories๐Ÿ“ฐnews articles, ๐Ÿ“ธ and hopefully one-day photography and ๐Ÿ“ˆ๐Ÿ“Š๐Ÿ’ป social media marketing. A whole potluck of services that with consistency I can be great in. Don’t be a stranger check out ebon affects Facebook page, Twitter and Instagram account and if you like what you see follow!! Also, visit ebonaffects.com. It’s my official website and portfolio. It’s still in the WIP stage. I have some many wonderful ideas ๐Ÿค“
  • ๐ŸซI’m is not sure if I told ya but I ๐ŸŽ“ with a certificate in media communications. Yay, ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™Œ From the same university I was granted another all paid opportunity. This time to finish my associates in creative writing. Riveting yes I know.

Lastly, I wanted to say that I had several mental moments where I thought for a while I was going to stay in a dark hole. It was quite uncomfortable and cold. I was angry all the time. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Irritated. Confused. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn’t I control myself? Why is this happening to me?!! Why is everyone looking at me like I’m crazy?!! Am I?!!! Damn it please, Lord, please someone tell me please give me answers!!โ€ฆ.

Well, sweet honey-drop. You are bipolar.

๐ŸŒปTo be continued lovelies