December 15th | 14:52
It’s a day after my release from a mental health hospital. i admittingly was forced to go because of my poor choice of words I used with the ER counselor on the 11th. I admit. I was depressed with no visible salvation but homeliness and despair. Its been a tiring month, honestly. I assume things would be rainbows and glitter once I moved. How wrong was I. The job I enjoyed and was blessed to have slipped from my fingers loosely like butter. Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to and around me until I melted in my own mental illness. Truth be told, I allow it to take over me. I ran out of options to move forward so I figured what the hell, mind as well. It cost me three days away from children, which isn’t my first rodeo but is the first that I shed no tears.
Something happened in the mental health hospital that I can’t figure out right now. I know it has something to do with my emotional impact homeliness and around me. It feels as if the soft part of me, the only soft rainbows and, hardened. Now, I am afraid of nothing. I fear nothing but my own to have moved forward. O, the guy I inadvertently fell in love also will my own lack of compromise. I’m sure one day I will soften but I don’t know when. of options, my heart is heavy with love and that love keeps me from doing what I three do for myself and children. Well, it did. Not anymore. I honestly grew that I the feelings of others. You don’t like the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I do the things that I do then fuck off.
Yes, that’s where I am now in life. Emotional wise. I haven’t given up love or feelings jus that it will take a lot or certain buttons need to be press beforeI come to a conscious of caring. I used to think about theirs. How would they feel if I did what I did? Well, not anymore. I did my last Godly deed from the kindnessof my heart when I gave O 150$ so he can get out of prison and spend time withhis family for Christmas. It’s a lil sad but I do not care if he lied to me formonths about our relationship. If he decided to walk away from me then it ishis choice and I hope and pray he doesn’t look back because I will not be thereto take him back. In truth I am exhausted. Perpetually annoyed over the lack ofappreciation I received from those who claim to love me. Beside my parents, mysister, my brother, my best friend and children there’s no one who shares theamount of love that I have for them. So, in truth, I guess, I’m over helping others.I’m unfeeling and worn. Exhausted of these false love and fake relationships. Screwthem all to hell. I deserve better. My whole life I’ve tried to do good byothers. I’m done trying.
A family member was arrested on the 7th and had the audacity to use my name so she couldn’t face jail time. She has made a grave mistake that she will soon understand. There is so much one can take and I have had my limit. I’m not changing nor bending for anyone at least not truthfully. This “good girl” persona that everyone seems to label me is, well, exactly what I need to show whoever cross me jus have devious and diabolical I can be. I know two wrongs doesn’t make a right. That is not good to seek vengeance on those who does harm to me but I don’t care. Not anymore. One thing most are forgetting that I do not jus improve my intellectual being to further my career as a writer and graphic designer.
I shall kill everyone that oppose and threatened my pack with the utmost kindness and a smile they will never forget.