Merry Christmas

🎄tonight…

December 25th | 20:04

I wish, I could say, I’m blogging tonight on good terms. I am experiencing another one of life lil choices. Before I go into the choice, I would like to provide a lil backstory. October 2011, I met a guy who had potential to be more than what he appeared. I believed and trusted and kept thinking that in due time he will see what loving a family means. A year later we had our precious princess. I ignored the signs that told me otherwise, that this man, who I truly wanted to become more than what he was, was not that man. Yet a snake in the grass. He cheated. He lied. Manipulated. Twisted the one thing he knew he could twist and bend and took advantage of me like a fiddle. A repeated song, that played for 6 years until finally, after nearly losing my life, my family, and myself, I broke free.

Now, though I want nothing to do with this snake, we have a princess together and I couldn’t jus take her father from her, even though he sat for 6 years of her life on the couch, on the bed, smoking marijuana and playing videos games. He had no real contribute to her life other than his mother who he ripped off with lies about how he needed money to do this and that. I put up with that when were together. Thinking that I didn’t have to suffer to that lack of ambiguous and self-resilient life, I bent backwards and forward to co-parent with this man and now his girlfriend/ “wife”.  

Yea, I know. It seems like I’m jus the jealous ex. Slandering the father of her daughter because they’re not together. Please, believe me when I say this: leaving him was the healthiest and righteous thing I could do for me and my children. I have no envious bone towards what they built. But I do have a problem with the environment if I feel like its unhealthy for princess. Again, seems like jealousy. Maybe a lil part of me is jealous that his good for nothin ass found someone else but I’m not surprised and has or ever will plan to homewreck what they have. I sincerely despised the man with an eternal flame that ignited the 1st year of our relationship and has been blazing since. What I dislike about this family that the 8-year-old girl or 10-year-old boy have no respect for their mother and talks quite awful about her mother’s new partner. Though I don’t blame them. He is truly poison.

These children are subjected to a life that is not heavily impacted by education, which bothers me so because education is highly important to me and is the foundation of a better future. Instead these children run with no shoes nor warm clothing in below temperature weather. Honestly, I feel very judgmental, but I believe it’s what I overhear and what I observe that is unnerving. They have no respect for their parents and jus explode with anger when they disagree with their parents and she does nothing to address it. It happens so much that my own princess believed that she too could do that. I attempted to plead with her father and his girlfriend my concerns, but they disregarded it like I spat nonsense. I do not like being disrespected, especially by a child. I’ve tried, and God knows how I tried to co-parent. But truth be told, I’ve been raising my children alone all this time, I don’t want any help. I can’t fathom how they can live with no furniture but have money to splurge on junk and drugs.

I know very well it’s me. I do not want my children around that type of living. They’ve already isolated my son saying that he can’t come over their place yet let their children do what they want. So, tonight I gave in to the hate broiling inside and told her father she would not be over his house or around that family as much. I am restricting her from that environment and him. I know, I’m the bad mom. The bitch. The jealous ex. Whatever. Call me what you feel. But I am done working things out.  I am done trying to get along with people who are not serious about their children future.

She’s going to hate me I know, my princess. But I’m willingly to bite that bullet. Fuck with everyone else has to say. Fuck how everyone else will feel. I truly and for the first time, do not give a fuck. I am exhausted.

For now on, I am that petty bitch. That “baby mama” who does everything in her right to get what she deserves, especially when it comes to my children.

I am now playing the role of the villain.

LOST FURY

🎋today…

December 15th | 14:52

It’s a day after my release from a mental health hospital. i admittingly was forced to go because of my poor choice of words I used with the ER counselor on the 11th. I admit. I was depressed with no visible salvation but homeliness and despair. Its been a tiring month, honestly. I assume things would be rainbows and glitter once I moved. How wrong was I. The job I enjoyed and was blessed to have slipped from my fingers loosely like butter. Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to and around me until I melted in my own mental illness. Truth be told, I allow it to take over me. I ran out of options to move forward so I figured what the hell, mind as well. It cost me three days away from children, which isn’t my first rodeo but is the first that I shed no tears.

Something happened in the mental health hospital that I can’t figure out right now. I know it has something to do with my emotional impact homeliness and around me. It feels as if the soft part of me, the only soft rainbows and, hardened. Now, I am afraid of nothing. I fear nothing but my own to have moved forward. O, the guy I inadvertently fell in love also will my own lack of compromise. I’m sure one day I will soften but I don’t know when. of options, my heart is heavy with love and that love keeps me from doing what I three do for myself and children. Well, it did. Not anymore. I honestly grew that I the feelings of others. You don’t like the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I do the things that I do then fuck off.

Yes, that’s where I am now in life. Emotional wise. I haven’t given up love or feelings jus that it will take a lot or certain buttons need to be press beforeI come to a conscious of caring. I used to think about theirs. How would they feel if I did what I did? Well, not anymore. I did my last Godly deed from the kindnessof my heart when I gave O 150$ so he can get out of prison and spend time withhis family for Christmas. It’s a lil sad but I do not care if he lied to me formonths about our relationship. If he decided to walk away from me then it ishis choice and I hope and pray he doesn’t look back because I will not be thereto take him back. In truth I am exhausted. Perpetually annoyed over the lack ofappreciation I received from those who claim to love me. Beside my parents, mysister, my brother, my best friend and children there’s no one who shares theamount of love that I have for them. So, in truth, I guess, I’m over helping others.I’m unfeeling and worn. Exhausted of these false love and fake relationships. Screwthem all to hell. I deserve better. My whole life I’ve tried to do good byothers. I’m done trying.

A family member was arrested on the 7th and had the audacity to use my name so she couldn’t face jail time. She has made a grave mistake that she will soon understand. There is so much one can take and I have had my limit. I’m not changing nor bending for anyone at least not truthfully. This “good girl” persona that everyone seems to label me is, well, exactly what I need to show whoever cross me jus have devious and diabolical I can be. I know two wrongs doesn’t make a right. That is not good to seek vengeance on those who does harm to me but I don’t care. Not anymore. One thing most are forgetting that I do not jus improve my intellectual being to further my career as a writer and graphic designer.

I shall kill everyone that oppose and threatened my pack with the utmost kindness and a smile they will never forget.