for the first time in a long i had a meaningful conversation from someone who cares. others have relied the same awareness about what’s tearing and eroding me from the inside. everyone meant well. but it was this call that opened my eyes to the biggest thought/problem that ails me. i understand Ii have a very long road ahead. the chapter of my pre-adulthood has ended. a new one has begun and i know it’s going to take all my strength physically, emotionally, and mentally to successfully turn the pages. i know i am going to make mistakes. i’m going to break down in to an emotional whirlwind. that’s who i am. it’s what i do when i’m feeling confused or overwhelmed. disheartened or at the pit of a darkened forgotten well.
what do i need to do to take control of this situation?
i need to remind myself that i am imperfect. shit happens. life goes on. and no matter what is happening i have a choice. no matter how elating or grim they may be, i have a choice. and that choice dictates my emotions.
it’s been a minute. life’s gracious winds has blown me to an unfamiliar land. the worst part is that i cannot plan ahead like i used to. and when i mean ahead, i mean many weeks if possible. the whole daily regimen is exhausting. confusing. lots of anxiety but few depressive episodes, so in truth i cannot really complain. my therapist and i have had a very long discussion about love and the love i lack for myself. i hadn’t thought about it actually. it never occurred to me. officially i have graduated👩🏾🎓 with a certificate in media communications. i should be overwhelmed with joy of such accomplishment but i feel nothing. i feel no change what so ever… i am neither happy or excited about my next step. i’m jus apathetic. ready. or at least in the process of preparing myself for my next challenge. my next set of goals.
*sigh* another truth… it’s that visit with my therapist that changed me completely. i thought about the weight of her words. the sullen and worried look on her face when she explained the seriousness of my situation.
you’re such a sentimental woman, Samara. you care so much about others that i believe we have forgotten our own happiness somewhere down the road.
that’s what i told myself and frankly, i’m right.
so, everyday i wake up with one big goal and two small ones that I want to complete by the end of the day. so far so good. i’ve started a new story, which you can check out here👈🏾 a dark fantasy. sort of horror. it’s still in the baby stages. but the characters are based on me and my family. of course, i am the main lead. when i started brainstorming the characters personality i thought of everyone else with no worries. when it came to the protagonist… block like a stuffed nose. i really didn’t know shit about me other than what’s on the surface. i found that to be sorrowfully disappointing. but the truth is the no matter how grainy and crude i felt, it didn’t deter me from the story or my own self discovery.
photography and gardening reminds me that those who have patience and determination they will thrive and improve with each step. i love the results thus far
Client #1 and i are very much still working on her logo. tweaks here and there. adjusting hues. darkening and lightening. replacing and redrawing. such a process and i can’t say i don’t enjoy every bit.
embroidery design for uniforms
official website logo
twitter has become my new go to. i’ve gotten quite accustom to the succinct tweets. i’m still learning the works but i am a tweeter. hey! why don’t you follow meand i’ll follow back? i’d love to follow you awesome peeps. i wonder what your tweet feed looks like 🤔💭
ebon affects is the centra of all my projects. it’s easier when i have a reason, so to say.
another big change in my life besides the absent of terrible relationships, i’ve become a lil more stern with the kiddos. they’re growing and their attitudes are too much for a 10 and 5 year old. it’s my fault for spoiling them but hey i have no regrets. jus now i’m repeating myself more and more. teaching them respect and how to behave around their elders, especially me.
👑i am the Queen. i am the Alpha and Omgea🐺
i seriously feel that way. i can’t let them think they’re better than anyone because we are all equals and plus i jus don’t like disrespecting children. it’s jus not right. parents are guardians. we are here to protect, nurture, and provide. not there personal Butler.
i also started talking to myself out loud. hey, i havent lost my marbles. when i have a depressing moment i need to talk. to express what’s bothering me. some of the things i say, i want to share with you. so, i recorded myself. yup. jus audio but it’s helping me a lot. i would greatly appreciate if you could listen and let me know if i’m ready to be an audio blogger. it’s about ten minutes. sorry. i… um… it’s my first run so i started to ramble a lil. you can listen to the audio 👉🏾here
a lot has happened as we can see but i believe they are all positive and worth sharing. i’ve been saying this for a while, but I’m going to read your thoughts. stop by your blog. see whatcha ya been up to.
i’ve been having trouble. trouble as in i’ve lost myself somehow if that is possible… again, yes. my mother came over. i felt like things had drastically stepped back. and in a way it did. i stepped back. i coiled inside myself. is it possible to lose oneself in an instance? i lost the part of me that is meticulous. the part of me that kept everyone, and everything organized. i don’t know how i really wish i hadn’t.
i truly dislike that i stepped back. but at the same time i believe i truly dislike moving forward. i think it’s the change. and that scares me. that scares me more than anything i honestly believe.
when the sun sets. when it’s time for bed. that is when i feel the anticipation. anxiousness. the need to reach out. dependent. on anyone, really. and that reaching out feeling sides track me more than i’d imagine.
i guess. i don’t know 🤷🏾♀️
i want to move forward. i know the dependent feeling is a veil i created to hold myself back. lying to myself. confusing myself. distracting myself.
👋🏾hello friends. this week (past week or so) is a lil busy. kiddos are out of school for summer, amid job searching and doing what I must to get my name and brand out in the world🤯 it’s a lot for someone who spent most of their life procrastinating their own growth. i’m overwhelmed more than usual lately. mainly because of the kids bickering and fighting over lil words (princess) or ragin over every damn loss on the xbox (prince). it’s difficult being an official single parent. but i got this. What happened to me and princess’s father? well, our difference finally got the best of us. four years of ‘being the bigger person’ in a six-year relationship finally melted my psychic.
i deserve more damnit! i deserve someone who not only loves me but wants to do as much for me as I for them. so, we separated. like prince’s father, princess’s too stepped out of their life with the excuse that he’s ‘workin’ 🤨😐yea, okay.
however, i do admit it. it could be me. but I’m quite sure it’s not. I’m faithful. Loyal. And when I give my heart. I give it. not a quarter. not half. all of it💁🏾♀️ but that’s me.
as of late ebon affects is my focus. with graduation around the cornerthe assignments are tailored to career and brand development, which is a lil weird feelin for some odd reason?
🎉👏🏾 want to applaud everyone who succeeded in their entrepreneur career. its damn hard! but you kept at it and now you’re reeling in your accomplishments. sincerely, you’re awesome🤝🏾
that’s where i am now. i’ve set the foundation and now i’m building my castle.
Clientele #1 had a few more edits before the official embroidery design. yea, cool right? i designed a logo that’s going to be ironed on polo shirts. representing creative elegance planning and ebon affects. local advertising is a lil excitin😎
i am in more in tune with my Lord father. i feel there is more i need to learn before i can come at peace with the knowledge that circles around Him. my faith is guiding me. i’m taking that step forward. that queasy and unfamiliar step forward. alone. as it should be. everyone at some point in their life must walk their own journey. it’s a self-accomplishment victory thing that boosts you more than anything.
Check out my latest inspiration in honored of 🎆Independence 🎉Day 4th of July🎇