April 26, 2018
the days are passin. freelancing, school, and now work, yup have a part-time to bring in a lil extra 🤑🤑spending coins before i take off on my trip in august✈ speaking of trips, while its still flutterin in my mind, there is something i must share. honestly its a lil embarrassing and sometime humiliating😧 posting my life story but idgaf. it helps ME👑 the woman diagnosed with sever major depression recurrent. a mother of two beautiful children and one furbaby. an artists of all sorts. a nature enthusiast. a believer of the unbelievable. so, with that lil who-ha out the way. now to pressing matters. well, not really, but really. B, the guy i am smitten over. the guy who lives in Seattle and i in Oklahoma. him.
❤i love him❤
i know wtf ks😲😒 you jus got out a six year relationship. yea, well 💁♀️💩 happens. i like him. i found we had a lot in common. i found a comfort zone other than my sissy. i found a best friend.💕 i love him, yes. but in a family-possible-potential lover way🤷♀️ he’s jus that type of guy. too honest. too friendly. ambitious. family-oriented. too funny😍
we are compatible up until the expressing feelins part. i am too emotional. oh and let us not forget depression’s best friend, anxiety. she overstayed her visit a week ago and threw havoc today at the emergency room…
🗣side note‼ bubba had a postmodern seizure, which i jus learned, this morning. this is his second time and for the first time i saw the involuntary movement of his👀😨😱 scared tf out of me. of course i called 911 as soon as i saw them eyeballs move left and right continuous. he’s feelin a lot better and we have a follow-up appointment with a neurologist the coming Thursday.
i definitely flipped 💩 i paced back in front, worrying about his health as he slept. the last couple of hours i attempted to focus on school, which i’ve gotten a lot of research done for this week’s tasks. and as i’m sitting there, submerged in my thoughts, B floats to mind
i have a feelin that i am driving him away with my emotional needs💯 btw my symptoms comes faithfully at least once a month, lasting a minimum of two weeks. i’m an emotional wreck. dating makes it worse. i have ran away a lot of suitors because of my spontaneous cycle. and now the same thing might happen to the one i gave my heart to. i know. i know. what am i doing to myself.
💁♀️i’m being honest.
when i’m depress i tend to cling to the one closest to me. sis has settled with her bae. i really don’t have anyone to vent to nowadays. writing will always help but its not the same as communicating audibly. i grew quite close to B. i dont think he feels the same way as i do. i haven’t cried yet, but my chest aches sometimes thinking about it. i’ve never felt this way about any other man before.
i wrote a letter to B. i emailed it to him. i poured my heart, hoping to enlighten him about how my depression works, which btw idk really myself. its an experience type of situation. i need to be involved in order to figure the best solution. and idk how to fix this issue. this hurt in my heart. this overwhelming throb in my thoughts.
depression (dp) vent 🌼 ongoing – 04-26-18